Addiction Confession

For a long time, I thought I was one of those people with a non addictive personality.  Like most people, when you think of addictions you think of alcohol and drugs, right?  Who am I kidding?

An addiction is an addiction and addictions come in many colors, shapes and forms.   You may have one and not even realize it.  Yours won’t be like mine or quite possibly anyone else’s. When you discover it, you may not even think it’s an addiction and/or serious.

Some addictions can steal time, money, friends, family, or productivity.  Some are actually okay to have. But… if it serves no purpose and keeps you from being the best you can be then maybe you need to take a hard look at it.

Even if you should discover that it’s there, you may want to weigh it’s impact on your life, in which case you may want to blow it off or do something about it. If you aren’t sure,  you could ignore it and pretend it isn’t what it is or you may just give into it, wallow in it and not give a flip about it. After all, what’s the big deal if it’s not killing you or anyone else… or is it?

At some point in your life, later on in your life, you may be forced to take a harder look and begin to fight it.

That’s me. It has taken many attempts and fails to realize these habits are a form of addiction because they control me. That’s when I had to take a closer look and gain control.

Mind you, I cannot be so arrogant to think I’ve actually gotten the upper hand because I haven’t.  Recognizing you have a problem does not absolve you of it. I’m like on a see saw, up and down.

My addiction?  As harmless as they may seem to you, they are real to me.

Sweets.  Binge watching T.V. while playing games and procrastination. I might add… I have an excuse for every single one of them.

SWEETS

I’ve always known about this one and in times past it was never a problem. I could pick up a gallon of ice cream and eat the whole darn thing.  A package of Igloo’s or “drumsticks” and eat them all in one sitting.  When I was young, physically fit and active, it was no biggy.  I also didn’t do it all the time.  It only became a problem in my later years when it started affecting my weight, blood pressure, cholesterol levels and mood. I’m not sure when it happened because it crept up on me slowly.  Perhaps it was because as a kid, we weren’t allowed many sweets, so it became an obsession. My favorites.

It affects me the same way as my reaction to alcohol. The next day after a sugar binge, I go into a deep depression.  And then guess what? Yup, I need a sugar fix and I start looking for anything that might curb it.  Sometimes there’s nothing sweet around, but guess what?  There’s popcorn. Quick sugar conversion carb. Yup! It is.  Get a nasty carb and it quickly turns to sugar.  I don’t like bread, so it’s not my go to, but if I can’t run to the nearest 31 Flavors… I’ve been known to settle.  Oh! and guess what?  A cocktail or drink at the end of the day works too.  I may not be an alcoholic, but alcohol is loaded with sugar!!!! (BTW I rarely drink alcohol)

You may not know it, but start taking notice.  If you have an extremely cranky day or feel a deep, dark sadness after a sugar fest, or with one too many drinks with a friend, then do something about it now.  Your body is trying to tell you something.  Keep in mind, this won’t apply to everyone. We are, after all,  uniquely different.

In my case it has affected my health and my motivation.  When you’re in a downer, it’s all you can do to get out the door and do something productive.  So guess what happens? I justify to the next addiction.

T.V.

Here’s the ugly gory.  Because I write screenplays or I should say have the goal to do so and I’ve written a few, I justify sitting in front of the T.V eating my sweets or whatever.  After all, an artist must study her craft, right?  I especially binge seasonal shows, but not all shows.  My hubby, God bless him, never complains or puts me down for which I’m grateful.  BTW, I am not obese and never will be but I’m certainly unmotivated at times.

My goal is to study the formatting and seeing what people are watching and why and that’s good. BUT, I’m obsessive.  Once I start a show, it’s day in and day out until it’s over and then on to the next.  Much like the box of ice cream.  I keep going until it’s done and I seldom hop around from show to show and when I do, it’s to accommodate hubby.  He’s not much of a T.V. guy anyway.  He’s on the computer either working his eBay after his regular day job or and now thank goodness, riding his bike again.  (His truck broke down, so he started riding to work until they could figure out what was wrong with it and now that he’s back on the bike, he’s remembering how good it felt.)

The problem here is that I usually have a game going simultaneously, so how much am I really getting out of the shows I watch?  I could do so much more. So out the window go the important things.

Screenplays.

PROCRASTINATION .

Procrastination and excuses go hand in hand and is a result of all the above.  I want to write great T.V. and/or a great screenplay, but… my self confidence, for lack of a better word…sucks!

What I’ve learned from T.V. is that the shows with agenda’s seem to be the ones that get made and that is discouraging. Many of the shows these are making “moral” statements, and I use the word loosely.  They are conditioning us and our children to adopt certain lifestyles.  Everything and anything goes.  The supernatural is fostered and I admit, I’m a sucker for a good surreal experience as well.

And when I’m in my melancholy state, turning out a good script is difficult.  If I don’t feel inspired, how can I inspire? So, I’m in a downer, I put it off for when I will “feel better”, “happy” and motivated.

TURNING OVER A NEW LEAF

Now it may seem like I’m plugging someone else’s blog and I guess I am, but when I was reading a blog some of you may follow as well, called bgddyjim ,  I realized that my addictions were keeping me from being and doing amazing things.  Every time I read his blog, I’m inspired by the discipline it takes to stay on task. Over coming any addiction is not easy. It takes work recovering from an addiction and he’s the proof in the pudding, you might say.

And in light of that I’m making some changes.  I have been working out in a haphazard way for some time, but am finally getting a routine that is more frequent. I wish I could go cold turkey on the sweets, but given that so many things have sugar in them, I’m eliminating the obvious ones first and learning about and adding acceptable substitutes in moderation.

First thing in the morning,  I generally turn on the news which, when I’ve heard them repeat the same thing over gain a jillion times, or when when the crap shows come on, I go over to shows on Netflix or Hulu.  Well, I am not turning the T.V. on at all. Finis. I have to do it this way because I have no self control and I know it. (By the way, this goal was short lived, so I’m starting again.)  It’ll be the hardest to control since it is important. Note to self:  I said control because I can’t very well eliminate it, but what I need to change is the game playing while watching.

I have scheduled the completion of a short film by the end of next month, which will hopefully be used to generate income for a bigger project.  Wish me luck.

And, because Jim mentioned how important his sponsor is in his last post, it dawned on me that I was in need of one.

The first group I joined was that of a group of novelists, bloggers and news reporters.  That was fine.  We’d critique each others work, but there were no screenwriters.  The problem with that is that in screenwriting, less is more.  Novelists tend to be wordy.  They have to fill the page with words.  It’s show, not tell.  We don’t have to explain or go into great detail about what is happening. Characters are not overly wordy.  “Readers”, the gatekeepers to producers, the ones your screenplay must get past first are looking for white.  White pages.  If there are too many words, it generally gets tossed without even getting looked at. Yeah, that’s how it is.  So, when people in this group read my screenplays, they kept wanting more words, more elaboration. So, I left the group.

San Diego is not a big movie making stand alone location to be, but it’s made leaps and bounds.  In the last five years, more groups and people are popping up everywhere and so, voila I found some recently.

A friend of mine, in the business, who puts on the Da Vinci International Film Festival  in Hollywood, once told me the best way to see how your work is doing is to produce your own.   Last year I helped with a film called You Are Me, which has won an award and made it to another film festival.  Blog6

Recently, I’ve connected with a group of new filmmakers, wanting to produce and act.  I will be working with them in filming The Late Bird, not my writing, but with the prospect of doing mine at a later date.  Right now we are still seeking funding through Kickstarter.  Not much has been raised yet but… if you care to help?

Since then, I found this other group and was eagerly accepted.  My new group:  SD MediaPros  Filmmakers who encourage one another by offering classes to give new filmmakers like moi the tools to succeed.  Woohoo!

Why didn’t I think of that before?

 

 

Advertisements

I Did It!!!!

DCIM100GOPROG0051360.Yes, I did.  I did it.  I jumped out of an airplane and it was amazing.

I did a tandem sky dive with GoJump Oceanside.  What an experience.

I started out yesterday June 2, but the weather just wasn’t cooperating.  Clouds were too low, so I had to reschedule or wait around and hope it would clear. I rescheduled.  As it was, it never did clear and we would have waited around for nothing.

So here it is Monday June 3rd and it’s looking grim again.  I was scheduled for 1:00 pm and at around 2:30 in the afternoon, there was a break.  Little by little, the sky opened up.  My original jumping buddy hadn’t shown yet.  So while everyone was getting into their harnesses,  Rob,  this guy from the UK, who Hubby and I met the previous day, said he’d help set me up in the meantime.

DCIM100GOPROG0011325.

Getting into my harness was easy and not unlike my rock climbing harness with the exception of the shoulder portion, which he cinches up for me. All the while, he’s telling me what would be expected of me, which was much more than I thought it would be.

Once airborne and it’s time to jump, I was needing to put my legs over the side, tuck them under the body of the plane, lean in to my partner, hold onto my straps and go. I had to ask him a couple of times, to make sure I was getting what he was saying through his British brogue.   So, I think I repeated it a couple of times back to be sure.  I was only nervous I might forget one of the four simple things he’d told me. lol  Surprisingly, I was more excited than scared or nervous.   Perhaps, it was because I’d always had flying dreams as a kid. It somehow seemed like a natural thing to do.

Then we did our walk to the plane and of course, I had to do the “cheesecake pose”.

DCIM100GOPROG0031331.

Betty Boop, I’m not.

As it turns out Rob got to be my jumping buddy after all.  It was nice to have gotten someone we had already built a rapport with earlier on.

Rob and the rest of the crew were amazing.  Friendly and helpful.  They recommend, no, they insist we take our jewelry off and/or any loose items off our person, but of course, they can’t force you.  I debated on taking my wedding ring off.  I sort of felt like it was on pretty tight.

So here we are on the plane, getting ready.  The girl across the aisle from me and I were laughing and making faces but as soon as the door opened, the wind coming in made them for us.

We climbed for about 15 mintues.

At 13,000 feet,  we’re off! Cowabunga!

DCIM100GOPROG0051359.

It was exhilarating. I still can’t believe I did it.

And of course the face distortion shot. And, the chute deployment.

At first, it was just so surreal.

DCIM100GOPROG0051361.

DCIM100GOPROG0051371.

I was trying to remember if there was something I was forgetting.  My ears suddenly popped and ouch that hurt, so Rob told me to pinch my nose and blow.  That helped.

DCIM100GOPROG0061439.Then, suddenly my tummy started to flip flop.  I got motion sick – squeamish.

That, fortunately didn’t occur until the chute opened and we were nearing the landing point.  By the way, the chute opening did not jerk, like I imagined it would.  It was quite smooth.  What got me is the swirling around as we maneuvered into the drop zone. It’s all about timing for so many jumpers to land near one another, so we spun around a few times to get situated but, it was like a roller coaster with way too many loop de loops.  I was thankful I’d had a light lunch.DCIM100GOPROG0071443.

And, here we are.  Safe and sound.

Hubby did not do this with me.  He actually didn’t want to  but he did want to be there.  Unfortunately,  he had to work.  As soon as he got off, he came running down but still missed it by about 10 minutes. Fortunately, for me it was a good thing, because shortly after we’d landed, I noticed my wedding ring missing off my finger and I thought crap he will absolutely kill me.

We looked around on the ground as though we actually thought we’d find it.  I wanted to die. I had no clue.  Then, I remembered handing over a baggy to the girl behind the counter.  Did I?

ring

Yes, I did.

P.S. Oh my, was my hair a tangle when I went to brush it later that night.  I thought I’d pull every strand out  getting the gnarls out. Thank heaven my hair isn’t that long.