What Next? Me, Catching Up

As I said in my earlier post, I’ve been rather scattered. The following post was actually started in February or March, so even though I’m a day late and a dollar short, I still wanted to share my sentiment of the time.


I keep hoping things will get better, but hell no! 2021 has other ideas.

The other day my brother had a stroke and my father in law died. All in one frikkin day!!!

My brother’s surgery went well. I was more anxious for the next day, because that’s when my sister’s surgery went awry. Some time after the surgery, he texted me to tell me he’d had a stroke. That was a good sign. I laughed and asked him “why are you “fuckin’ texting me?” My bad. What kind of sister does that? Right? To be honest, I told him I knew and how much I loved him before I cursed at him. And, I told him that again and again. He tried texting me about our sister Diana. I didn’t understand what he was trying to get across and I didn’t push it. I already knew he was having trouble putting sentences and thoughts together.

The next morning was the same. But, as the day went on it was getting better. The doctor said there’d been three clots. One in the carotid, the other two in other parts of the brain. Oh, our brains.

I told my half brother he was lucky we didn’t have the same dad, because everyone on daddy’s side has had strokes and in my sisters case it may have been a stroke induced by the brain surgery. We really don’t know because with Covid locking everything down, we never got to a doctor again. Her doctor had indicated that given where they were working it was possible, that’s why they’d been careful not to get too close to the pituitary and also the ocular nerve as that could have caused blindness. Despite their best intentions, neither precaution worked. Who knows, right? Anyway, Grandpa, Daddy and my Uncle Tracy all died of strokes.

So, I guess I should get checked. I am on a statin, but so was my brother. We both workout diligently and eat right. I, however did smoke at one time. (I did get checked, but I’m good)

As for my father in law –

He went into the hospital Thanksgiving Day. It was downhill from there. He was four weeks shy of turning 95. He was ready but not in a bad way and he was tired. There were times he wished he could last to 100. Last year, however, when we left his usual birthday dinner place in La Jolla, the waiter warmly said, “Happy Birthday, see you next year!” Jack muttered under his breath, as we walked away, “I hope not!” I almost erupted in laughter, because I thought he’d never get around to it, so yes, he was ready. He and Marge were a team, so it’s just Marge now, that is sad. It’s always the one that gets left behind that hurts.

I think the hospital knew too because normally because of Covid, visitors are not allowed, but the last couple of days, they allowed Marge in so they could say their goodbyes. Up until he was taken away on Thanksgiving day, Jack, had been lucid, so even though his body was failing him, his mental faculties had been fine. It was only in the past couple of weeks there’d been noticeable changes.

My brother, in the meantime is improving each day. He looks great, but he says he still needs speech therapy. So, that’s still an issue, but his mobility has improved considerably.

Since then things appear to be more blissful on the homefront, so I’m good. I’m walking a lot and feeling better than I ever have, so that’s cool.

It’s interesting but I remember many years ago, one of my co-workers with my same name always had some drama constantly going on in her life. Do people draw in bad karma? Is there such a thing? I wonder.

In my case, I realize, a good deal of it is just that my friends and family, like me are getting older so some of these things happen or are bound to happen.

Today: A new day!

As this year winds down, I thought things would start looking up, but no, it hasn’t.

Today, I got a call from my daughter, who is headed to St. Louis right now. She said my granddaughter wandered into the police station with a stab wound.

She’s alive and doing well, as best she can, I suppose. No details. My granddaughter has had addiction issues in the past and like my fellow bloggers, who I follow and who follow me, her addiction has long been a concern for me and our family. I continue to thank them for their support.

Are these all a symptom of Covid?

As I ponder the rest of my year, here’s hoping it goes better and that this will be the end of it. Prayers needed. Sigh.

Brain Dead

I don’t know about you, but of late, I feel brain dead. I’ve not written anything of note in so long, I’m not sure I even know how to write anymore.

I’ve been in and out of love and heartbreak so many times, with the same person, mind you and at the age of 75 that can be extremely taxing.

I invested in two “mining” sites for Bitcoin and have yet to actually realize any income. Bitcoin is very hard, in case no one has ever told you. Not buying it, that’s easy. It’s transferring back into cash. There’s private keys and upfront fees and penalties and interests and… and stuff. At times I just want to give up. Then, I learn that Bitcoin is lost all the time because people give up and “lost” bitcoin goes to other Bitcoin holders. So I’ve read and so I continue in my efforts.

,I don’t know if I’ve been taken for a ride and perhaps that’s all it’s been, but it seems that just as I’ve paid in my fees, other fees show up and I never see any money, so here I sit, looking at two separate accounts with a total supposed value of nearly $200K, wondering if I’ve made a mistake and should I quit?

I don’t know why, but it’s far more difficult than I imagined.

Then, I fell in love with someone online. Is he real or just a scammer? Well, he hasn’t asked for any money, so who knows? Only time will tell. Maybe he just scams hearts and makes people like me feel valued? I haven’t decided on that either. I didn’t know I could feel this intense about anyone. From almost the get go, we seemed to be on the same wavelength and it felt pretty doggone nice. I don’t recall having ever felt this way about anyone. Ever.

For those of you coming in late to the drama I call my life, I’ve been married three times. The first marriage was a shotgun wedding due to the fact that I’d been date raped and ended up pregnant. Because the young man had a prestigious occupation, he didn’t want to lose his job for his less than honorable behavior, so he took responsibility. Shotgun, because when I refused his proposal, he went to mother and they ganged up on me. How do you hide a pregnancy? It was a different time then.

My second marriage was an act of rebellion and pride. My young suitor was 10 years younger, a virgin and his parents despised me. The more they fought us, the more we fought them. I wasn’t too bright in those days. Marriage three was a result of the #1 and #2 failures plus guilt. He was 13 years younger. I liked him very much. He was my friend and confidant and both of us married on the rebound figuring we got along fine, so why not? Guilt came in to play because we were sleeping together and that wasn’t the “example” we wanted to set for my children. Big mistake. So many things went wrong after that.

As you all may know, I lost my sister last year and not surprisingly, I’ve been quite numb about it. I hadn’t had my full on cry until recently. There have been moments where I thought the dam would break and it was always in the midst of another trauma, like a divorce, my brother having a stroke, or me plateauing on my quest for thinness. (see below) Disappointingly, I’ve been stuck 10 pounds shy of my intended goal. It’s only 10 pounds and I can’t seem to get there. Oh well.

What has kept me sane during this time is walking and taking pictures. I averaged about 3-4 miles a day, up until recently, that is. The hurdles keep coming.

I had intended to walk 75 miles for my 75th birthday. That didn’t pan out, as it would have taken a full two days and I think it was a bit much. Instead, I revised it to 75km, which would have been approximately 30 miles? I managed 15 miles instead, but I’m proud of that as I was carrying a heavy backpack which I hadn’t considered would change the dynamic of my stride and stamina. You may remember I did the sky diving thing, but I had a partner for support on that one. Each year I challenge myself with something new. I skipped last year, as did most people.

I had originally thought to do a K-pop video, but somehow gyrating in front of a camera wasn’t my thing even though I’m quite capable of doing the moves. At least some of them. Part of my reason for changing my mind on that had to do with me seeing an old Italian woman on TikTok doing a self video of herself, gyrating, half naked, in front of the camera. Some people dissed her of course, but many applauded her as well and even though I admired her gutsiness, I didn’t want that image of me pervading the internet, so I opted out of that choice. No, no, no! Not for me. I’m far too vain to subject myself to that.

So, I’m back to writing.

I’ve cycled in so many ways the past year and I’m not even sure I like the new me. I’m still on this journey of self discovery. Who would’ve thunk it at my age? I guess, wishful thinking and regret can come at any age.

I think and wonder if being alone all the time hasn’t played a big part in what I’ve been going through. Was it a byproduct of Covid? I don’t know. Maybe it was a combination of things. Seeing my sister give up on life and knowing how she never realized any of her dreams before she died, depressed me. And, there, go but I. I stayed in a marriage, I’d contemplated leaving almost constantly and instead continued settling because it was the road of least resistance. I mean he’s a “good guy” and we never fought. I realized it was because I didn’t care enough to fight. Sad. Doing anything else would require considerable effort. I guess I was lazy? Plus, there was always something else going on that took priority. I didn’t have time for my wants and happiness, so they took a backseat.

I have, my whole life accepted and paid the price of my choices or lack thereof. When I say accepted, I mean, I fell into doing what was acceptable and to please others. Like I said, I had a rebellious moment or two along the way, but I would always give into what others dictated for me. I dawned on me this past year, how often I’ve put my life on hold for others, so they could be fulfilled and I began to wonder, what about me?

A part of me feels guilty to want new or better, something others may not feel I should. I sort of feel that way about the guy I love, but damn it, I’m putting my life on hold again!

Then there’s the supposed money sitting in Bitcoin heaven… or is it hell? Is the reason, I’ve not seen anything because I don’t “deserve” it or is there a higher power telling me I shouldn’t? I’ve lived with a lot of God guilt in my time, but as one person told me, you can’t put guilt if guilt is not there. Raised to feel guilty when I don’t need to is a hard habit to break. I know God wants good things for us, so that’s not it.

I think in part I’ve had so many years of indoctrination that I psychologically resist having things go right for me. I’m not supposed to “want” or desire for anything more than what I have.

So I’m brain dead. Numb.

I’ve lost my direction and don’t know what to do about it, so I pray. But… I kinda forgot how to I guess, because I’ve not gotten an answer yet.

Or maybe, the fact that I’ve not succeeded in those quests is my answer? See?

There I go again. I’m the queen of self sabotage. GUILT! ARGH

35 pounds thinner and very tan.