The Transfiguration 

~ Joliesattic ~ 3 Comments

What a beautiful and inspiring story of one person looking out for another. Can you just imagine how beautiful the world would be if we all did that.

mahdheebah's avatarThe Mahdheebah Blog (TMB)

Hey guys, let me share with you a quick emotional and inspiring story of a woman from Kenya (Africa) who found her childhood friend on the streets suffering and struggling from drug abuse and starvation. How she transformed his life will prove to you that God exist in human form!

With no words said I’m sure we all understood that story. It is very imperative at every point that you do not look down or trample on anybody because that person just might be the angel that God has put on this earth to help you in your time of need. You see, God knows that we can’t do everything on our own, we are bound to stagger, faulter and make mistakes, that’s why Adam had Eve and even Jesus had disciples. God sends anEarth Angelalongwith us the day we were born, we usually never know who this…

View original post 199 more words

Befuddled and Betwixt

~ Joliesattic ~ 7 Comments

 

Paying the piper.

I just caught myself up on The Handmaid’s Tale.  Love it!!

One of my concerns is how it portrays men, not to exclude religious dominance or perception but as hypocritical bullies.  I hope we will never get to that point.   I love men, shortcomings and all. Obviously, the climate here is not one I would do well with.

I remember once many years ago, my daughter thinking she was in love with this handsome “older” man from Persia. He admitted that he had singled her out because, she was a virgin and young enough to be trained.  Of course, I nixed it.   It might be peaches and cream for awhile… until the luster waned. She was too much like me and she would not have taken such rigid rules for long. She’s been married three times since and is now off to fulfill her dream to be an actress.  I digress.

With all the hoopla going on about sexual harassment, women and other diversity issues, we sometimes tend to lose focus on other equally important factors.

What is our gauge?  I am specifically referring to the Academy Awards and the possible why’s of the selections made and that are up for vote. I’ve already been hearing murmurs from some that the selections may have been due to peer pressure, to filling quota’s, or shunning, because they thought other work out there had more merit but got vetoed.  I’m inclined to agree a certain amount of that has to be true.  A case in point might be the film by Harvey Weinstein’s company.  I’ve not seen all the nominations for best picture but I’ve read the screenplays and found them worthy candidates on writing alone … sans viewing them all.  All but one anyway.  It just didn’t rock my world, at least not beyond the first ten.

Is it fair to artists involved in his project (which was done prior to the scandal) have their work shoved aside because of his bad behavior? I read other comments that tend to agree with me on that, while at the same time it is understandable, after all, why should he profit?  I hesitate sometimes to bring up incongruities of this nature and as I’ve mentioned before, for so many years everyone knew this existed and what I don’t understand is why such a heavy ax coming down now when so much of the work in Hollywood has exploited such behind the scene “goings on”?  It was never right. Never should have been, but it was. It is aptly illustrated, if not a bit over the top, but very well done in The Handmaid’s Tale. 

Women in the past had no say and no recourse.

It really is not far fetched because that was basically the plight of women not that many years ago.  Now is this every man’s dream? To put us back in our place?  God forbid!  In God’s defense, He never intended it to begin with. That of course, is how I perceive it, given my knowledge of His word.  WE were, after all, produced of Adam’s rib, not his ass or his head or any other part of his body.  So, if we believe that, we are meant to be equal and at the same level, rib to rib, eye to eye, taking into consideration, of course the differences in our various statures.

Hugh Hefner, in his Playboy magazines reinforces men’s perceived entitlement and the attitude of the day with his cartoons:

 

Women having fought tooth and nail for years to earn the rights and privileges they have today and are only barely a step ahead of race, but only barely.

For awhile, I resented the big push for equality.  Not because I didn’t think it was necessary or appropriate but because of how forcefully it was being done.  Could there not have been a more congenial way?  I was living in a fantasy world. The reality is that sometimes you’ve got to club people over the head before they’ll listen.  That goes for all the hollering and noise being made to be heard and listened to.  Yes, at times it has been downright offensive.

It’s like, I hear ya, quit cramming it down my throat. I get it, I understand and agree. Yet, that’s just me and there are many more people out there of the same mind who have yet to come to terms with it.

My husband has a hard time with some aspects of the MeToo movement. I don’t believe he knows, not that I care, I’ve just never gotten around to bringing it up. (To be honest, I echoed it not expecting the explosion it would cause or how quickly it would grow.) He was raised by a single mom (his dad died when he was 8) and he never formed the machismo attitudes that has plagued men for centuries.  He was the guy I ever dated who didn’t run around to open doors for me, because “women aren’t helpless and there’s nothing wrong with their arms”.  You get the picture.  We mostly went dutch on dates. He lacked a lot of the finesse men learn from other men.  The only thing he cared about was riding his bike to a competitive level as a young adult. He wasn’t into playing the game. So, he doesn’t get it and doesn’t in a genuine way.

So to hear so many women out there emerging with stories he can’t conceive, is difficult. In fact, he worries that guys today may not be able to ask a woman out, tell her she’s hot or with an accidental touch while talking without finding himself slapped with a sexual harassment charge.  That’s his perception.  The latest episode of The Good Doctor had a young woman tell the doctor not to touch her. He had laid his hand on her shoulder to reassure her that everything would be fine. There was obviously no ill intention there.  He agreed readily, but you could see his mind processing it. I was waiting throughout the whole show to see if you would make more of it.  She didn’t.

It reminded me of the time, many years ago when I got “counselled” by the elders of my church that I shouldn’t touch when I talked even though it was only on the forearm or hand.  I remember being deeply  hurt by this, because I mean’t nothing at all by it and it was just a conversational mannerism. I did not process it well so I knew and understood what my hubby was saying. “They” said, it could be misconstrued and be a temptation to some man, whose home life may not be perfect. Yikes!  That’s their problem was my thought.  So, I learned to talk without touching and it was difficult.

We have often talked about these websites, like Tinder and other sites that hook up for sex only.  How does one navigate through these? It is a given or assumption that it’s all about the sex.  Isn’t it like playing with fire?  The implication being that the end goal is sex? How does anyone risk their job and reputations with a possible single misstep?  How does one know?  Not everyone is, as hubby calls it, socially aware.  Many people are ill trained to navigate through social situations adroitly.

women and sex2

I have been hearing, in the wind, the importance of teaching our young, both men and women of what is appropriate behavior. Yay!

A few months back, my young great grandson, in kindergarten, got called out for  possible inappropriate touching.  I didn’t get the whole story, but I immediately got a visual of a cartoon I’d seen many years ago (I’m guessing in the 50’s or 60’s) with two children of the opposite sex, looking down their shorts, realizing they were not the same.  It’s interesting how this was once considered a joke, whether appropriate or not and not taken seriously.  I don’t recall the comment that went with it but that alone surmised that kids will be curious.  In the 50’s sex wasn’t really discussed at least not in my experience and the word alone was bad and not mentioned, period.  Times have changed and perhaps that’s the biggest reason all this media attention. Needless to say my granddaughter had to have a sit down talk with him and explain the why’s and wherefore’s, which he is, even at 6,  savvy enough to expect. Once explained, he got it.

I am so glad this teacher had the decency to call my granddaughter first rather than making more of it than necessary. The other parent was also a party to this discussion. End of story.  That’s how it should be done.

Yes, WE CAN TALK ABOUT IT NOW!  Or, at least we should.

There is a scripture in the Bible that I always liked and that regardless of  religion or personal beliefs. It makes sense and one to consider as the first step for most things.

Matthew 18:15-17 English Standard Version (ESV)

If Your Brother Sins Against You

15 “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. 16 But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.”

____

There was a radio talk show Saturday that asked the audience to call in with grudges they still had against someone who had wronged them in the past.  There were so many and these people were willing to air them and admit they had not let go. The point of the show was to give the worst experience a prize. I wondered how many of them made an effort to take the above steps?

Basically,  if you have a grievance against another, go to them and not blab it to everyone.  If the party in question is not amicable to a remedy, then call in another as witness that you made an effort to fix the problem. If at that time it is still not working then you call in a higher authority. In theory this would be the best solution, but for some it isn’t enough and perhaps it shouldn’t be.

There’s the added danger here that if sexual harassment is not exposed and out in the open, it could occur again with a more timid victim or someone who finds the whole experience too embarrassing to reveal.  That’s what has occurred in the past. So how do you nip it?  Put it out for everyone to see.  20 years ago or so Monica Lewinsky and others  like her were derided, ridiculed and humiliated for their efforts.  Today, women are being applauded for coming forward. It is a different time.

Right now, it’s people in power and those who have money being exposed. I wonder if there are those and how many who have paid a hefty price to keep “their garbage” out of the media?  I know it seems as though we’ve heard an excessive amount of dirty laundry being aired, but I would bet there’s more out there than we know about, those we never hear about.  I’m wondering how much has not been exposed but instead hushed or kept quiet? Is it even possible? I’m guessing not if there’s money involved. What about Joe Blo at your typical workplace?

50 years ago —

When I was a very young girl, I had a doctor who molested me.  Of course, I said nothing, but… many years later he was found out when several women came forward. He lost his license and was prosecuted.  By then he was quite old.  I never added my name to the list. Why? Because it was embarrassing to me plus I questioned my own perception of the event and I didn’t want anyone to know.  When the others testified against him, I realized it wasn’t just me but by then it was enough for me to see it finally caught up with him. He died soon after.

I have a friend who came forward when she was about 15 and instead of being protected, she was humiliated and put in a sanitarium for trying to expose the person, who happened to be her father and the mayor of the city.  Her sister who was also molested, was angry with her for airing their dirty laundry.  No one came to her aid. This was over 50 years ago.

Even though a good many men and women are wriggling in discomfort over these issues coming to light (including myself, after all I am from another generation), it is a purge to endure. In that way I am befuddled and betwixt.  On one hand it’s uncomfortable but on the other, it’s necessary.

Perhaps in the end, it will be a good thing.

Yes, times have changed. I wonder how it will play out in the end? I’ve posed this question before, and still not heard about the women who abuse their power?

A film with Jennifer Anniston illustrates this in Terrible Bosses. In my mind, sexual harassment is sexual harassment. Could there be a possibility of a backlash? Hmmmm…

when women vote

 

Please note: All photos are from the www and I’m hoping these were old enough to be fair game.

Huey, Dewey and Louie

~ Joliesattic ~ 29 Comments

When I was a child, we had a pair of ducklings called Donald and Daisy.

After some time, Daisy hatched out some little ducklings. There were about 10 or 11 and we gave them all names. We started out with Huey, Louie and Dewey, but from there, who knows? One day our father decided it was time we learned what farm life was like and marched us out to the yard. He grabbed one of the ducklings (now grown) and lopped off it’s head with an ax. We were aghast. What was worse is he let them go and they ran around the yard headless. This terrified us and we kids all scattered in tears, screaming and cursing him. (well, yelling at him – kids in those days didn’t use curse words like they do today, especially not around parents).  I was frozen, watching them go in circles. He thought it gruesomely hysterical and had a jolly good laugh on us. This of course, made us sick and angry. Over the next few days, we would have nightmares and to this day, that sight and feeling has never left my mind.

Later that evening mother sat the roasted duckling on the table but we all refused to eat. Instead, we left the table squalling and cried for days. Angrily, Dad ended up giving the plucked ducks to friends and neighbors because we wouldn’t eat them. We had no clue.

One day we went to our friends house and unbeknownst to us they had been recipients of our beloved deceased friends and proceeded to serve us the duckling. I had taken a leg as I recall and bitten into it, but my brother so much wiser (or perhaps less trusting) than I or maybe he’d caught a gleam in daddy’s eyes waiting for us to take a bite, realized what had been served and asked, “Is this our duck?”. When they replied in the affirmative, he then crossed his little arms across his chest and refused to eat. My little sisters joined him but I being the older sibling struggled with being polite and eating. It bears noting how as we get older we submit to peer pressure and will often make unethical compromises.

Dave and I
My brother and I

Many years later, my girl friend and I went in halfsies to buy a calf to raise and butcher. She considered me a city girl and would not let me name it or look at it. She probably suspected she’d get stuck with the whole cow if I’d named it. So I didn’t and I got through the experience fine. She pointed out that once you name it, it becomes a whole different ball game, so it is best not to give names to prospective food.  That, in of itself changes ones perspective.

I would in my later life, move to Alabama where Tyson and Pilgrim’s Pride (amongst others) have their chicken farms.  It was there I decided chicken would not be on the menu. I became aware of how they were raised, housed, fed and carried to be butchered.  I learned from personal experience that it took months for me to raise a chick to adulthood, whereas chicks delivered to chicken farms are harvested in approximately 9 weeks! That alone ought to tell you something.

Then there’s the delivery system. On the mountain above us was a chicken farm and every few weeks we’d hear the trucks go by late at night or early, early morning to deliver them to the processing plant in town.  If you happened to be behind one of these trucks, you would see all these slatted crates chock full of chickens crammed tightly within them.  On occasion I would see a dazed chicken on the side of the rode that had somehow escaped the cages and fallen out, or so I thought. I felt so bad because the chickens didn’t run off.  It was months later that I mention this to my vegetarian friend,  and she explained to me that those were the hobos.  When the cages get too full, they cram the extras in between the cages. They are listless because they have been raised in tight quarters and have never used their legs much, so there’s no strength in them.  Btw, it’s not permanent and not true everywhere. I’d heard tell of folks who have picked them up and taken them home and they grew to be fine.

IMG_0817

One day, one of these trucks somehow overturned and the chickens scattered.  Some died but most were easily retrieved. But, oh my, chickens went everywhere. It made the news of course, and it was funny to see people cheering the chickens on.  It was reminiscent of Jennie yelling “Run, Forrest, Run!” and that was pretty much the sentiment.

Although I vowed not to eat chicken, I do.  Since those days of driving behind the chicken trucks, I learned that more companies are going “organic”.  What that means, I’m really not sure.  Are their conditions now more humane?  I don’t know. Chicken is still one of the least expensive forms of protein.  I still look for free range though.  They are pricier, but I’m guessing that’s because free range chickens take longer to mature and have a higher mortality rate due to predators… if they are truly free range, that is.

I say this because of my own personal experience. I know when I tried raising my own, I had to contend with snakes, coyotes, dogs, raccoons, opossums, hawks and drownings.  Yes, drownings.  Chickens are not too bright.  It was there we had a duck we called Chuck because he was hatched out by a hen. You know, Ch(icken) (d)uck? Chuck was never to be destined for the table, so he was named. Alas, we didn’t have him long.

Ducks, we discovered require lots of water to stay hydrated and… because ducks require lots of water we made him a small pond of water nearby and… I think because Chuck was the bigger of the brood, his little brothers would follow him in and drown.  So we removed the pond and then Chuck died of dehydration… I’m guessing. We were new to farming. It haunted me for some time until I learned that Chucks mortality may not have been the issue of water alone.  My cousin Jack explained when we found his rooster drowning in a 1/2 to 1 inches  of water because he didn’t have sense enough to pull his head out! We were glad we found him and resuscitated him and sent him on his way. Jack said, “they’re just plain stupid.”  So, take it from me there’s a reason free range chickens cost more.

Bottom line?  Don’t name your food and don’t complain about the high price of organically grown, free range anything.

And… if you have the will power to eat vegan or vegetarian, more power to you!

PS – If you look up chicken transporting, you will see videos of how more high tech farms do it and for sure you will not want to eat another chicken for the rest of your life! The farms near us used men to catch the chickens for loading.  I’m afraid the site I found was so disturbing, I screamed and clicked out of it so fast that I forgot to snag the link to share. I couldn’t find it again.

 

 

Death and Condolences

~ Joliesattic ~ 17 Comments

DEATH

Death and how we deal with it can be different for each of us.

The truth of my situation is that my parents were both suffering, so it was a relief when they left. Mother didn’t even know us any longer and dad lost his ability to communicate or walk, which for him, as independent as he was, was a fate worse than death. It doesn’t mean I don’t miss them, and interestingly enough even though we’d had a challenging childhood, I  remember mostly the good with the occasional bad along with their redeeming virtues, such as they were. I see their passing as their chance to be made whole again. For example, mother loved to garden, so I have visions of her ambling through a beautiful garden helping to prune and nurture it. I see her feeling privileged  and  fulfilled at God having given her hands something to do. Dad on the other hand, I picture challenging God, cracking his jokes and playing devil’s advocate for some of God’s questionable decisions over the millenniums and/or, he could very well be just picking his brain.  I can see God either dodging him,  maybe smiling at his questions or perhaps giving him to someone “else” to deal with. LOL You don’t know my dad.
I think how we mourn is personal and every individual does so differently and we should grant them consideration, without judgement.

I remember a woman I worked with, who lost her son in a horrible traffic accident while her mother in law was driving. She never cried or seemed sad and was her usual self the very next day! We were all shocked she would even come to work. We all thought differently of her from then on, most assuming she was a heartless you-know-what, like how could she do that?  We all knew the boy was adopted, but he was still their child. I would personally hate to lose my step siblings, of whom I am greatly fond of,  but we are all different. I heard from other sources that from that point onward she would not speak to her mother in law again. Her birth child had survived and the grandmother was unhurt. It made me question whether or not to drive my own grand kids around and I would always take extra precautions knowing I would not want the weight of that guilt.   Later this woman and I would talk about it years later and I learned that there were so many things she had to process. Hate, anger, grief and so much more.  It wasn’t that it didn’t weigh heavily on her, she just wasn’t ready to face it, much less deal with all of them. She segregated her emotions to another part of her psyche to work through later and yes, her relationship with her mother in law was never the same and she admitted that she couldn’t stand to even look at her. That’s a lot of anger.  Being a grandmother,  I couldn’t help but feel bad for the grandmother. For them both really.

Some people grieve passionately, wailing and carrying on for days, months and years sometimes. Some are quiet and private. Some never get over the death of a loved one. Some erect shrines and shut out everything and everyone around them, focusing only on those they lost.

movie funeral
Me, (black hat) as a wailing woman at a funeral,  waiting for my cue to  “Action”.

One of my sisters is a case in point.  When her daughter died, she created a shrine with pictures and candles all around and that was her entire focus.  Her other two daughters were being sorely neglected. It broke my heart.  Her infant daughter, born severely brain damaged, due to a delivery issue, having been without oxygen off and on for parts of an hour, was blind, deaf and had little sense of touch.  For two years she tube fed her and cared for her.  The child had not been expected to live beyond a week with all her issues.  When she did, the doctors told her it wasn’t likely the child would grow but instead remain an infant.  In part that was true.  Her features did mature but her body didn’t.  After faithfully caring for her and loving on her, the child began to respond to the resonance of her family’s voices and constant stroking.  The doctors were amazed. The long and short of it is that after two years and several surgeries, she caught pneumonia and expired. My sister was especially devastated.

She resented anyone that said her baby girl was “better off” or “in a better place”. She mourned her this way for over a year. I finally sat down with her and reasoned with her, pointing out that if she truly believed in God’s promises, then she will see her little girl again some day.  In the meantime, she needs to get back to being a mom to the two she still had.  I pointed out that continued neglect of her daughters like she had been doing could easily result in them resenting their sisters memory.  I said a whole lot more, but that was the gist.  I didn’t tell her she couldn’t mourn her or talk about her but she needed to get back to loving and caring for those still with her.  The wonderful thing is she did just that and to this day she and her girls are very close.

I have heard people deify family members that were horrid, or that they treated horribly while alive.  Especially widowed spouses or the remaining parent with children.  I understand it, but at some point in time an honest appraisal may be necessary.  My husband and I have had that talk since he was 8 or so when his father died and I think his mom elevated him to sainthood when he passed, so we sometimes speculate at what he may have been truly like. The reality being that no one is perfect and it’s okay to share that. How adults and children grieve is often different with elements of the same. Theirs can be more intense. Children can sometimes show their sadness through blaming, anger, alienating themselves from others, disinterest and sometimes resentment to the remaining parent and/or worse guilt.  One never knows how they will be.

CONDOLENCES

Some have no emotion whatsoever, others rejoice and for some, it brings peace. Because of that when it comes to condolences, one never knows the perfect thing to say.

My aunt, (my step fathers sister) came to my mothers funeral and said, at her graveside that she wanted to make sure the bitch was dead.  It, of course offended a great many people there.  She never got it that mother was mental, so whatever you do, don’t do that.

At my father’s funeral, people brought in newspaper clippings of all the amazing things my dad had done.  Never was there a mention in any of them that he had any children. (He’d left mother when I was 15 and never paid child support or acknowledged our existence)   Because we lived clear across the country, we were no longer a part of his life, not until we were adults and only because we sought him out. Until I moved back there to care for him, most people in the community were shocked he had other children besides my one sister who lived near him, because he never spoke of us. That was painful and added another level of sadness.

The reverse can also be true though, you may learn a side about someone you never knew before, like my step dad.  My step dad who was droll and generally humorless was a cut up at work.  I remember my step sisters being shocked that his coworkers were talking about their father.  He had once won an award for employee of the month.  Because he has such a sour countenance, we learned that someone had submitted his mug (picture) to some show, either Jay Leno’s or David Letterman’s, where they displayed unlikely winners of “employee of the month”. His was aired!!!  None the less, my siblings would have given anything to have known that person they were hearing about, yet overall they were glad to learn he wasn’t always a stick in the mud.

I think discernment and situational awareness is essential. Sometimes it pays to check out the tone and expressions of the bereaved before saying too much.

When it comes to condolences, choose your words wisely.  It is probably one of the hardest things to do tactfully and often, the less said, the better.  You can’t always know a family’s back story and you can add to a person’s grief by exposing something unnecessarily.  Unless of course, that is your intention.

A Small Good Deed 

~ Joliesattic ~ 1 Comment

Another worthy blog from Madheebah and what a wonderful story and wise parable to start the new year with. Pay it forward and let’s all be more thoughtful, kinder and openhearted in 2018. One small deed can make changes and multiplying by the many will make a difference. Thank you for reading my blogs and for your friendships. Happy New Year!

mahdheebah's avatarThe Mahdheebah Blog (TMB)

Dr Ben told a story about a man who was asked to paint a boat.He brought with him paint and brushes and began to paint the boat a bright red, as the owner asked him.

While painting, he noticed that there was a small hole in the hull, and quietly repaired it.When he finished painting, he received his money and left.

The next day, the owner of the boat came to the painter and presented him with a nice cheque, much higher than the payment for painting.The painter was surprised and said “You’ve already paid me for painting the boat Sir!”,”But this is not for the paint job. It’s for having repaired the hole in the boat.”“Ah! But it was such a small service… certainly it’s not worth paying me such a high amount for something so insignificant.”

“My dear friend, you do not understand…

View original post 262 more words

African Pop Culture (the market women) 

~ Joliesattic ~ 2 Comments

I have to share this honest expression by Mahdheebah. It gives a glimpse of another part of the world and some wisdom on giving from the heart. Enjoy!

mahdheebah's avatarThe Mahdheebah Blog (TMB)

An old woman once told me “above all things, I’m satisfied with the way i lived my life’ because “what I could do, I did! And what I couldn’t do, I tried! that’s alot more than most people ever do.

As the African pop culture continue to make waves around Africa, we record yet another indelible yet captivating episode. This episode was randomly but collectively choosen by everybody indulged in the APC process.

The market women constitute a very high and remarkable percentage of people who market farm and or agricultural produce, there are many reasons why, but I’ll reserve that till later on. Now, usually men constitute a higher rate of farmers/breeders, in Nigeria alone over 70% of farmers are from the male gender, why you may ask? this isn’t because men are stronger than women and therefore can do more work, no! Neither is it that they are…

View original post 500 more words

Instagram is Raising Awareness about Abusive Wildlife Selfies

~ Joliesattic ~ 5 Comments

Hunting for sport is never good!

Josh Gross's avatarThe Jaguar

Photos like this fuel animal abuse and the illegal wildlife trade. Instagram has launched a campaign to educate users about the harm wildlife selfies can cause. Tigertemple by Dmitri 1999. CC BY 3.0

Wildlife selfies can be seriously problematic. In October, National Geographic published an investigative article on the trend of “selfie safaris,” in which tourists pay money to take pictures of themselves interacting with wild animals. This practice fuels animal abuse and threats to wild animal populations. In light of reports from National Geographic and other organizations, Instagram is stepping up.

In order to educate users about the harm caused by wildlife selfies, Instagram has initiated a new alert system. When users enter a hashtag that is related to wildlife selfies or the illegal wildlife trade, they will receive a pop-up warning them of the dangers associated with those activities. Users will then be able to follow links…

View original post 198 more words

Accusations Are Flying.

~ Joliesattic ~ 11 Comments

Good grief!

Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, Ben Affleck, Roy Moore, Conyers, Matt Lauer and the list, now up to 34, keeps growing etc. etc.

Let’s see now…  Did it start with, or was it further back than Bill Cosby being hung out to dry?

Don’t get me wrong, I am not validating or minimizing misconduct if it is indeed true and many may be. Neither am I giving credence to hype.

As more and more people “come out” with accusations and pseudo righteous indignation the more incredulous it becomes.  Some may be true, some not.

Consider Clinton.

Really, didn’t the public turning a blind eye to our “bad boy” president, not endorse this behavior? Because… at the time, not many people cared one whit when Bill Clinton did “his thing” in the White House, even though it is now currently being revisited. Perhaps it is about time.

It was those who stood behind him and rallied for him that bear the blame.  It was the proverbial you that gave men in general, permission to say and license to do what they do or have done.  If the president can do it, why can’t I? Come on now people, take responsibility for your part in this!!!

So to blatantly and unequivocally accept it all, how can you? Unless you were there and I’m sure you weren’t then how can you put so much credibility behind these accusations?  What happened to innocent until proven guilty?

THEN AND NOW

What the public fails to consider, is that social norms since forty years ago has changed dramatically.  Certain conduct or dialogue then is repulsive today, yet it was not uncommon and women had little recourse for it and men were expected (more by other men) to behave badly.  I’ve seen women do it too,  cajoling them and leaving some men with the idea of open invites, but I’ve also seen men take sincere friendliness the wrong way.  (like where in the hell did they get the wrong idea?)  I’ve seen women plot to snare men. ( Monica Lewinski holding on to her tainted skirt? Get real. Don’t you find that suspect?)

Many of the men that have crossed my path over the years have said and done things I thought totally inappropriate at times. I was an attractive model and flight attendant and I heard just about everything. I met famous and not so famous people and I can’t even begin to recall how often I was hit on, leveraging sex and/or seen men behaving badly, which was too often, but can I attach a name to all of them? No! True, I hated it, but I moved on, it’s what we did in those days. It was not a reflection of me or the sum of them and I went on with my life. It was how things were.

Quite frankly, I personally cannot remember with any detail who or what someone may have said that was out of bounds. I take that back. I encountered several that did  but only two that stand out.  One, was a coworker, a pilot (I don’t even remember his name however) who rudely grabbed me.  The other case was of a woman on one of my flights who deliberately groped me in an inappropriate manner, does that count? I refrained from creating a scene because I was totally embarrassed. I stayed clear of her for the remainder of the flight as she smirked at me lewdly and I was relieved when she was gone. It was quite disconcerting on many levels. Was she a lesbian or did she think I was?  What did I do that made her think it was okay?  Haven’t we all asked that?

How many women have grabbed a guy between his legs, rubbed up against him, flaunted her cleavage suggestively or kissed an earlobe teasing a man, not to mention giving him the “come hither” look (that’s what it was called in the olden days) and how many men found this uncomfortable or a violation of their space?  Will these men please come forward?

Does it excuse bad behavior? Certainly not!   In my day, it was always up to me to set the boundaries and my choice to nip it in the bud. As a girl, I was not given guidelines as to what was appropriate or inappropriate behavior and some times I let things fly, not knowing what I should have done or stupefied that I hadn’t reacted indignantly, but that was more out of embarrassment.  Many young men were less so taught and I think that in part is why some are stating their apologies rather than denying their guilt. Now don’t be fooled, the more that do it, the more suspect they become. Some of those can be genuine but it could also be a sham… like “Ooops!, I got caught with my hand in the cookie jar!”  “I was a bad boy, I admit it, now get over it”

I recall too, that men targeted certain women.  If she looked like a “good girl”, they left her alone.  I remember specifically the “Coffee, Tea or Me” cracks, thanks to the Helen Gurly Brown book that came out during that period. It brought a great deal of uncalled for comments for flight attendants.  Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for this exposure if not simply to raise public awareness that any untoward conduct is unacceptable.

TEACH 

It was only an insightful parent that could/would teach these guys otherwise, which was rare then, and then to have it undone by their peers who influence them otherwise.  It is only recently that a progressive mother, who did not appreciate being treated like trash (and some men who had the foresight to see it as demeaning), began teaching their sons and daughters a little more about respect for self and others. It’s up to us.

In fact, for men of past generations, it was encouraged for them to be cads. It was a sign of their virility, their manliness. Even more so if you were in a position of power. It came with the job and everyone knew it, so why act so surprised?  I’m not saying we shouldn’t be indignant, but everyone knows this has been going on since time immemorial.

PEOPLE CHANGE

Also, consider this. I’m not the same person I was forty or fifty years ago. I don’t know about you, but I did some pretty stupid things in the 60’s. To hold me accountable for these is ludicrous because although I may have known I did stupid things, I certainly couldn’t tell you what they all were, nor do I want to,  much less be reminded of them.  (That’s why I’d never consider running for politics. I’m sure there’s been a toe or two I may have stepped on in my past and… that was not forgotten by someone and bound to bite me in my present.) Frowny face here.

If they really did it and they are recent infractions then yes, by golly, hang them from the rafters. They should be held accountable.

But… Consider this:

If we are so quick to be judge and jury to everyone that is accused then what about our own sins?  Are we the same person today we were ten, twenty, thirty or even forty years ago?  How many of us do NOT have regrets?  How many of us took those and resolved to do better, right?

To say they are not better today than yesterday is to say there is no hope for the countless of people in prison waiting for a parole or who will some day be released. What about the prisoner who reforms whether by accepting Christ or by whatever means and becomes a new person?

Yet, even they have advocates who campaign for them to be given a chance. Doesn’t everyone deserve that?

FEEDING OUR MINDS

There’s also the issue of what we are feeding our brains.  Look at the shows on TV, books, movies and media we follow,  that are being produced because it’s what people absolutely love.  They are sexual, conniving and violent and suddenly the same people that love these are incensed?  I see a double standard that was and is still, only different. (It’s no wonder I like Hallmark, but even they hug now and then.)

If nothing else this is bringing the issue to the fore.  Granted, it is terrifying to some men altogether.  A gentle pat on the shoulders or back will no longer be tolerated or looked at the same way or so I’ve heard said. My husband was sad because he was hesitant and afraid to hug our great grand daughter because of all that’s been going on.  Will an accidental brush be considered deliberate?  Who hasn’t grabbed someone accidentally thinking they had their spouse or partner?  To what degree are people going to take this?

I greet people with a hug and sometimes a peck on the cheek. I like hugs. Are my associates going to be afraid to hug me now?  Is everything going to be suspect?

I just bet the people in Europe, who tend to be touchy-feely, are having a field day with this. Those Americans, what will they think up next?

Awareness and change is the key NOT overreaction. Think and be considerate of others.

It boils down to the old adage “Do unto others as you would have done to you”.

 

 

Changing Black – MLK

~ Joliesattic ~ 5 Comments

October 18, 2017 (Original start date was March 2016)

I’ve not written or posted an original work in quite some time, but a question I found on Quora (footnoted) this morning, triggered me to complete something I’d started 10 months ago, so here it is.

Rev John Walker and Dr. Martin Luther King. What comes to mind?

I had to look the former one up, because I really had nothing on him, other than a quote.  It was the latter,  however that I drew my inspiration from.

Rev. John Walker, on the other hand could be a person of interest for our modern times.

The other day, I was perusing Facebook and came across a comment made by someone I do not know regarding a link from a person I do know that had shared from someone else he knows.  You know how those things go. It’s social media.

All in all it resulted in a chain of connections that took me to comments for the “shared” item. One comment in particular caught my eye because it was negative about a positive post. Curious, I clicked on that person’s name thinking there might be something there to clue me as to why this person was so defensive.

As I scroll down his page, I didn’t have far to go before I realize this person lives on the dark side of the moon. How sad I thought.

Mostly I saw pictures that depict one injustice after another and really that’s all there was. There was the cheering for someone who pulls out a gun and shoots a purse snatcher,  I guess that could be good if not a bit excessive? Another for some presumed injustice that did not appear to be anything more that a person being pushed around as they maneuvered through a crowd, which could happen to anyone.

The picture that really caught my eye though, was an old one of two people hung. A mother and son to be exact. Below the picture there was the caption explaining why they were hung, which was totally unjust. The two people were black and it appeared that that was essentially their only crime. It was 1911. It was horrible and sad.

I immediately became defensive.

Yes, those things happened. I hate them too.  These injustices happened to blacks, but it happened to whites as well. Unfortunately, blacks were more frequently targeted and today more focused on. This world is not fair by any stretch of the imagination. They happened and it was abhorrent.

In the words of Rev. John Walker, “God does not look at our past and present. He looks at our hearts and our future.”

My father would often defend his use of certain words that were common in his day. It was there nature of speech, but not necessarily their opinion. My father and his father of the 1800’s spoke that way. I know from what my father says, “your grandfather employed blacks and treated them decently”. But what was decent in those days?

It is history but it is not nor does it have to be your history. I had a hard time communicating that to blacks I worked with. They have a difficult time letting go of the past and any overtures of kindness are met with disdain or as being condescending. We need to learn to accept that’s how it was. Somewhere along the way all of us must recognize the past as past and the past cannot be changed. We can’t “fix” that, there are no do overs of he past except in Hollywood. We can only change what’s ahead of us and how we think and behave is the only thing we have any control of.

Those were my thoughts.

This poor soul’s whole FB page was dedicated to focusing on wrongs committed by whites and yes, he is black. This tidbit was not shared for its historical value so much as a reminder to hate. To not forget. Why else dwell on it?

It broke my heart to say the least. It’s no wonder progress toward equality stagnates.

I thought of the big hoopla that was made last year about “OscarsSoWhite” **and how of late we see things going backward rather than forward.  Why is that?

I know many wonderful blacks who I consider friends, but I’ve also met some very racist blacks who blame everyone but themselves for why there is racism. Could Hollywood be part of the problem?

For instance:

I still find the portrayal of the southern white person as bigoted or as one friend in California says when she tells me she hates, “hics” (she never said rednecks).   This she says, staring at me blankly for several seconds after I’d stated that “everyone has prejudices”, as though she were guilty of none.  She finally states that her prejudice is “hics”. (she’s very white).  Her response was like that of the person who believes soap opera’s are real.  I suppose this was intended as noble of her. (BTW, the white supremacist leader is from Boston, not the south.)

A policeman, might have a different perception of race, according to what he is subjected to and faces in his day to day work “place”. (See my footnote.)

Hollywood creates stereotypes and I think sometimes our impressions of certain races is based on these. When I lived in the south my perception of blacks, whites or Hispanics was different than it is in California.

In California, Hispanics actually speak English and blacks are pleasant and friendly, whites are superficial and everyone’s a health nut. In Alabama, Hispanics don’t speak English, blacks are angry and antagonistic, whites are generally working hard to change their public persona. Both states have lots of homeless.  I had a white friend terrified to open her mouth in California for fear her accent would cause people to be ugly to her assuming that if she was from the south then she must be one of those bigots, which is the farthest thing from the truth. Fortunately, no one did this.

If racism is to be overcome, the barriers need to fall on both sides. It isn’t something only whites are responsible for accomplishing.

This mentality does not only plague blacks, it plagues everyone. It plagues the poor, the rich, the sick, the Hispanic, the Asian, the gay or any other group out there that can be slighted.  It seems that the more politically correct we try to become the more cause there is to be offended. There will always be slights. It’s a given because of our humanness.

Have I experienced racism? Sure.

Ironically, it was when I lived in California not Alabama that prejudice smacked me in the face. When I was 20, I dated this young man from a upper class family in La Jolla. He took me to his home to meet his parents, thinking nothing of it. They were cordial, but later he would break up with me because his parents didn’t want him marrying or dating an Hispanic. I guess it was like him mixing with the help. Was I hurt? I was chagrined, yes. Angry to tell the truth, at him for not having balls enough to stick up for himself or me. I guess you have to care to do that.

Was it permanent? NO! I got over it. Did it ruin the rest of life? Hell no!  Did I look for slights everywhere I went? NO! Why should I?

As anyone who’s been following my blog knows, I’m originally from Alabama, but I really didn’t grow up there or live there for long and what memories I have are positive. There were no racial events to tar my memory, other than being called a “yankee” because of my accent. In fact, the kids I went to school with loved me. I was a novelty. My “white” cousins were proud to say they were related. My mother however, was not fond of it and very aware of her swarthy complexion, but that was her. I never noticed anyone singling her or me out. She was more self conscious of them being white than they were of her being Hispanic.

At 60, I moved “back home” and I will admit, I was self conscious at first, but I needn’t have been because I was received well.

Blacks in general would however focus on my ethnicity more than whites did as if it was supposed to cause me problems, but it never did. Sadly, I noticed how so many of them kept bringing up the past and were unwilling to let it go or forgive and in so doing found an affront everywhere in anything anyone said. Some admitted this was a problem.

My dad used to say “if you believe you’re different, you’ll be treated accordingly”.  It was the best advice he ever gave me.

In my many years of living, I’ve gotten along in life not holding onto the race card, not wanting to call attention to my difference and treating others the same.

Staying angry and blaming this generation for the mistakes of past generations does nothing to help us get past the past.  We need to embrace our differences and be willing to accept and laugh at ourselves. (Ecclesiastes 7: 9) .  ” Do not hurry yourself in your spirit to become offended, for the taking of offense is what rests in the bosom of the stupid ones.”

We can’t help what previous generations did, but we can help what this one does.

How do we change conditioning and antagonism?  Globally, it seems overwhelming and I don’t really have a good answer.

What I do know is, feeding on bitterness and hate gets us nowhere. I wanted to say something positive to that young man who thought so negatively, but I didn’t know what I could say that would not be construed as a racist attack, so I left it alone and blogged instead. Will he see this? Probably not.

A person has to want a healthy diet. (Proverbs 14:29) vs29 ..”He that is slow to anger is abundant in discernment, but one that is impatient is exalting foolishness.”

I can only recommend myself and offer suggestions. So, if we want change, change what is in your power to change. YOU.

Change yourself and you will change the world one person at a time. I like the term, “Pay it Forward”, what you give out comes back.

Martin Luther King was in the process of changing black in America. Because he was a Christian and a Baptist minister, he is best known for using nonviolent civil disobedience to achieve civil rights.

“In 1959, he published a short book called The Measure of A Man, which contained his sermons “What is Man?” and “The Dimensions of a Complete Life”. The sermons argued for man’s need for God’s love and criticized the racial injustices of Western civilization.”(Wiki quote)

On October 14, 1964 he became the youngest recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize for his nonviolent methods for combating racial inequality. Later posthumously he was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom.  Unfortunately Mr. King was assassinated on April 4th in Tennessee.  Unfortunately it resulted in a wave of riots. I wonder what Mr. King would have thought about that?  Justifiable anger? Absolutely!  This was a good, just and fair man. He was making headway on behalf of blacks. There’s been no one like him since.

The new Black leaders like , Sharpton and Jackson spew hatred and retaliation, keeping alive the sad past of whites against black. Malcolm X and other more radical black leaders, who were present at the “I Have a Dream” speech and march, condemned the speech along with the rest of the march. Instead they keep stirring the pot, fomenting violence and hate. They do not foster a peaceful resolution.

White Supremacists, like Richard Spencer go on to stoke the fire even further as if blacks are the problem. NO, NO, NO!!!

Rioting and destruction in black neighborhoods are the new norm and have now become the new mantra and any excuse will trigger it. Blacks don’t even have to be in the right. If anyone of color is killed, accidentally or deliberately, blacks will wreak havoc, sometimes destroying their own neighborhoods and looting their own people.

In the presidential citation Mr. King received, there is a statement that I believe can still be true.

“Martin Luther King, Jr., was the conscience of his generation. He gazed upon the great wall of segregation and saw that the power of love could bring it down. From the pain and exhaustion of his fight to fulfill the promises of our founding fathers for our humblest citizens, he wrung his eloquent statement of his dream for America. He made our nation stronger because he made it better. His dream sustains us yet.”

We all have that dream. We, all of us can make this dream come true.

Martin Luther King believed in God and he believed the Bible, which still says it best.

(Colossians 3:14) 14: “But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection.”

Love covers all.

**https://www.quora.com/Why-is-Americas-great-racial-diversity-poorly-represented-on-movies-video-games-and-television?

Post script:  I got this email from my sister just after I posted this, totally unaware of what was transpiring in Florida. I thought it pertinent to my blog.  Please pray for the folks in Gainesville.

Dear —

Well, it is another exciting week in Gainesville…remember I told you about that white supremist, Richard Spencer?   He tried to come to Gainesville and was denied then when he filed a lawsuit the University had to allow it….but then we had the storms.    So, he is now scheduled to speak tomorrow at 2:00 at the Phillips Center.    The Phillips Center is within walking distance from me.  Since Tuesday there have been swarms of State Troopers along 34th Street.   Again, within walking distance from me is a hotel…the parking lot is full of State Trooper vehicles and today on my way home I noticed that cars going into the hotel were being checked.   The governor has already declared a State of Emergency for Alachua County.   That puts the National Guard on ready so there isn’t time lost in getting them involved if need be.

The University has set very strict rules as to what can be carried into the auditorium and one item that is banned is bottled water, but also no bicycles within a designated perimeter around the auditorium.   Today when I walked to Winn Dixie there were several helicopters flying circles overhead.   So, I guess they are as ready as possible.

At work Tuesday, one of the male therapist said he is going to accompany his friend who is a young reporter for the local TV station.   His friend is really nervous about this, but also Brad told me that Antifa has been keeping very silent about whether they will attend.   Partly because the FBI is monitoring them so they aren’t communicating as much.  

The interesting thing is that our pastor Sunday said that the pastors in Gainesville have gotten together and asked their parishioners not to attend even if they plan to express disfavor.  Pastors very rarely actually tell their parishioners what to do…unless they are in a cult.    However, the pastors will be coming together in various locations in town to hold prayer meetings during  the guys speech.   Today in my women’s Bible study group we also prayed over our city/county for protection, but also that this man’s message is diffused peacefully.   

The positive thing is that our local news has given our pastor and the local churches more attention than to this man.     So, tomorrow at 2:00 eastern please pray for us.    I will let you know how the day goes.

Love you,