Merry Christmas!

December 21, 2021December 21, 2021 ~ Joliesattic ~ 6 Comments

I was hoping to say something encouraging and insightful, but it was not a good year for me. I’ve incurred a great deal of losses and disappointments.

I would like to say I met all my goals, fulfilled all my dreams but I did not. I’ve been the lowest I’ve ever been and have, on more occasions than I care to admit, wished on numerous times to have left with my sister. I have never understood how people can mourn so deeply and for so long.

I’ve questioned God’s love over and over again and wondered what I did wrong that he would abandon me. I remember Job feeling that way and reminded myself not to curse God for what I didn’t achieve or get nor for his perceived abandonment.

I remember one time, telling my daughter how often I had felt that I gave and gave but had never gotten anything back in return. She asked me back, “Is that why you do it?”

Wow! Was that a slap in the face! I responded immediately, with, “No, but I’d like to feel appreciated once in awhile”, and I did. My childhood left me with many scars and lack of praise and worth were the most damaging. Even so, that question has always haunted me, because the truth is, I am no angel.

There have been many a time, when I did things because I wanted to be a hero and wanted someone to think I was better than I truly am. Not a good thing to learn about myself. I sacrificed years, being the good daughter to parents that had treated me horribly and although it brought me closer to my sister who I lost recently, it also filled me with such bitterness that I’m still working through.

I’ve spent too many years living my life to please others, including what I thought God expected of me.

That too, is something I’ve not figured out. What does he want or expect from me?

So, even though it is said, with age comes wisdom, it has not been true with me. I’m still learning.

Despite that, I am still hopeful that the year to come will prove to be the best year yet.

I’ve written some, which has been a good thing. A big plus in fact.

I know the past two years have been rough on everyone. Being alone has never felt so lonely. We’ve all had to deal with unprecedented circumstances and for some of us, reason and common sense went out the window because of our confinement.

I’ve mostly made many a bad choice this past year and a very few good ones … Here’s to making fewer bad ones in the future and hopefully having my wishes and dreams coming true in the coming year.

I’m hoping as well, that common sense will come back to the human race and the people of this country. We all want love to dominate, but it can’t be forced. Give others the benefit of the doubt and not be so quick to be judge and jury. We’ve all been guilty of saying things that could be misinterpreted and why are people being held accountable for things said many years ago? That is so wrong. People change. Attitudes change. We learn, we grow. What we may have thought or done before are not necessarily who we are now. We were given free will for a reason. It is why Jesus set the example, when he asked, “he who is without sin, cast the first stone!” If nothing else, let’s remind ourselves of these things. The days ahead are hard enough.

So, I guess if I can remind you of anything, remember the reason for the season. Why we were sent a redeemer for our sins and show our appreciation by becoming better people.

Wishing you all the best now and in the future. May God bless us all.

There’s Always the Phone.

February 12, 2015February 21, 2015 ~ Joliesattic ~ Leave a comment

I had this great idea yesterday that I would go to the beach for inspiration. I hadn’t written anything of any consequence in several days, so I thought maybe the sound of the pounding surf might beat it out of me. It didn’t.

Generally, I come up with ideas easily. But… I have a project (several) I want to totally rework based on, well they need it.

I went to a writer’s (artist’s) retreat, put on by the Greenhouse group, a non profit organization that helps newbies get started and become familiar with the Hollywood scene. It was absolutely phenomenal and so worth it. It’s focus was on incorporating our own personal story in our work, this is what gives our work it’s own unique flavor, unique to us. I liked that.

I left there completely inspired, ideas and juices were flowing like a fountain but I was driving on the San Diego freeway and couldn’t jot them down!!!!

Then instead of making a beeline for home, taking advantage of all this inspiration, I thought since Russ wouldn’t be home for awhile I’d go see a movie I’d been wanting to see before it went out of the theater’s.

Big mistake! I left there totally dried up, like what was I thinking?!!

I may have mentioned this before but there is a movie that got made that was similar in nature to one I’ve had “in the works” now for a few years.

I got positive feedback from the Austin Film Festival with suggestions on how to improve on it. Well, that’s what I’ve been doing. Why this particular film seems to be stagnating, I just don’t know but it has.

Maybe I should just let it go and move on.

My original script was 40 pages long and everyone that read it loved it. But, here’s the but that bogged me down. Everyone that read it thought it should be a feature film, which meant extending it by an additional 50 pages…at least.

Okay, so how do I do that and not lose the momentum I had?

My first effort was 120 pages long. Oh boy was it heavy. So much shit in it that the story got lost. So, I went at it again, and again, and again and so on.

One reader (script doc) said, I had a comedic moment that he thought was inappropriate since it was a drama (ala Taken). That made sense, so I took it out. (He did however complement me on my natural sense of timing for comedy)

Another source says I have the possibility of some strong women parts which are sought after but they were underdeveloped. I needed to give them more. Okay, that made sense too since that’s the reason I created them in the first place.

Then there is the angst between my protagonist and her father which needs strengthening as well, I had it originally but dropped some of that in the rewrite because it didn’t read like I wanted it to.

So, here I am at the beach looking for inspiration.

I sat and sat. I wrote a few things in my book, but nothing that wowed me. All these stories that were flowing from me on the way home sputtered.

I had at least 4 stories bouncing around in my head and the passion with which they were coming? Gone.

At least I remembered the idea, so I settle for writing the basic idea for each down in hopes that someday the story will come. Sigh.

Note to self: Say “NO!” No detours and in the future, pull over and just jot it down. So what if you’re a few minutes late? There’s always the phone.

The Hole – Lost in L.A.

February 2, 2015February 4, 2015 ~ Joliesattic ~ Leave a comment

Have you ever wanted to beat yourself up over something you did that is so unlike you but that comes out at an inopportune time?

It’s not that it’s never happened before, but that it happens from time to time in stupid ways really bugs me, especially when it’s in front of someone I want to impress.

I remember the time I met Bill Murray. Bill was filming the movie that would later be called “Larger Than Life” (which he is or was), the working title being “Nickle and Dime(s).

I was working for a talent agency in Colorado at the time and we were in charge of filling the request for extra’s of Native American descent and because of the shortage of NA’s, some Hispanics were used. I was not there for the entire filming. I had studied acting for years so my job had been to coach the young actors that were later selected and not actually be in the film. Besides I was told they didn’t need anyone my age. However for the last day, my boss asked me to dye my hair black, so I could pass for NA since they needed more for a particular scene, so I did.

Needless to say, I was terribly excited at going on my first movie set. As usual, there’s a lot of waiting and because it was out in the desert, I could wander around. I met the cinematographer, who was from Italy. Very nice. then I met the guy in charge of all the technical stuff. It was amazing. He took me around the set and showed me how everything worked. (If you know film, you know that things are not as simple as they appear.) He had evidently been in the business a very long time and he described different aspects and jobs of movie making. I was enthralled by it all. I guess I must have appeared to him like a wide eyed child because when we parted, he smiled and said “You’ll be back!” He was right. I was in love. I didn’t know how or what my niche would be, but I had it bad.

In case you’re wondering, at the time this transpired, I was over the hill for the usual acting jobs that came around. I was considered old when I attended the American Academy of Dramatic Arts briefly for their summer program at the age of 50, yet they accepted me for the program. So even though I was no spring chicken, I’ve never looked my age. Good genes make me look way younger than my years. When I was a kid I’d had my chance briefly to be in show business, but life got in the way and I had pretty much laid my dreams to rest, now they were sparking again but I digress. I’ll save that story for another time, since I’ve strayed from my subject. Still, I wanted to be a part of the business, I knew that.

So here I was, way out in the desert of Moab, Utah. All the extra’s had talked madly about what a wonderful and pleasant guy Bill was. They said, he was friendly, would sit and banter amicably with them and all this stuff. So when I got in line for an autographed picture of him, on a rail car with an elephant behind him, I was expecting “Mr. Congeniality”.

Well, he isn’t a smiling type, at least not with me. He only took my picture and asked my name. I gave it to him and by this time I was terrified. Yes, a grown woman, terrified and I started babbling trying to make conversation. I have no idea what I said, but he winced and that made it worse. I kept wanting to put a zipper on my mouth but it just kept spewing. I don’t know who was more uneasy, me or him. Finally, I walked away, chagrined that it hadn’t gone better. I wanted to be his friend. Well, at least I wanted to see this convivial person everyone had been talking about. So, I asked myself, “Did I come off like I was hitting on him?” Oh my God! That’s it!

Nothing could have been further from the truth of course. Either way. At first I felt bad, then I got angry, because if that was it, then that was an arrogant assumption. But how would he know otherwise? I’m his age and attractive. So I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I’m sure family men in his line of work and stature must stay guarded. But, I never forgave myself for the misstep.

Well, I did it again and again. Not with movie people necessarily but people with titles. Stupidity looms up from time to time. I have a friend, well even my daughter who’s an actress says, “they’re just people mom!”

But I say, it’s not my fault. Really. I grew up being told that “Children Should Be Seen and Not Heard!” Sadly, we were never allowed to interact with adults or engage in any type of adult conversation. In fact, any one of authority was addressed with deference. Here I am of age and I still regress from time to time. If someone had power to help or slay me, I fall apart.

It happened this past weekend. I got snubbed. I think it may have been in part because the speaker said from the onset that everything counts for something. That we all make judgement calls the minute we see someone. So, how we dress and how we look IS important. First impressions count. He said that even he made a judgement about individuals the minute they walked in the room. (He was looking straight at me when he said it). Like Bill, he was not a smiler. So, it was hard to “know” him.

He talked about doing your due diligence before meeting someone you knew you would meet and I thought DAMN! I forgot to look him up, his background. Could he see that on my face? At break, I pulled up his stats, but it wasn’t enough for me.

As it was I had not slept much the night before, nervous about meeting people in the business and what do I say? Did I have any screenplays ready should I meet someone who would ask or want to see my work? So, I didn’t have hard copies, but I had them on a zip drive and since so many carry laptops with them anymore, I could download a PDF copy if they wanted one. Also, the ones I have on there were already registered, so that was good too! It was a last minute decision to go anyway so it was all good. Nothing to worry about, I told myself.

Still I worried. This is not like me. I had pins and needles all up my legs and I kept jiggling them to still the sensation, so I could get some sleep. I had just started working out with a personal trainer this past week. She asked me how I sleep. I told her I sleep hard generally. Was that it? All that stimulation has got my circulation going. It was no wonder I couldn’t sleep. I had a two hour drive to get there, but being LA, I would give myself an extra hour to offset accident delays on the road etc. So the alarm is set for 5 am, but I didn’t get to bed until 2:30 or was it 3? Do I even bother trying to sleep, sometimes that makes me tireder? No excuses! In this business, there are no acceptable excuses. The show must go on!

So when I went up for him to sign his book, I jabbered. I sunk into “the hole” I dug once before. It seemed like a hole because I noticed that with everyone else he asked, what do you do? He didn’t ask me. Me, I had to make conversation and it was horrid, he responded tersely, not amicably nor did he ask questions back like he did the others before me. It was like, “Next!”. I knew I was dressed well. I bathed before going. What was it?

For two days I stewed about whether this was for me. Can I survive? I know there will be more people like that, but it obviously would not be them I’d be working with. The self talk was incessant. I didn’t have this problem at the pitch fest and everyone I spoke with loved my pitch. So why this time? Then I remembered that one of my dearest friends in Hollywood was someone I had had a rough start with. We eventually became fast friends and when I moved back to California, she demanded she be the first person I would call and visit and she was.

What I do know is I need to get back in there and not give up. I’ve got a lot going against me and age is the biggie and everyone tells you that. What has stood out and is certainly relevant to me is, if something gives you trouble, keep putting yourself out there until it’s no longer a problem. What I have going for me is the texture and color I can bring into my work that comes from life’s experiences. So, here I go again. I’m going to another workshop with people in the business and let’s hope I do better this time.

As they say in Italian, salute! Cheers!