walking

I don’t know about you, but of late, I feel brain dead. I’ve not written anything of note in so long, I’m not sure I even know how to write anymore.

I’ve been in and out of love and heartbreak so many times, with the same person, mind you and at the age of 75 that can be extremely taxing.

I invested in two “mining” sites for Bitcoin and have yet to actually realize any income. Bitcoin is very hard, in case no one has ever told you. Not buying it, that’s easy. It’s transferring back into cash. There’s private keys and upfront fees and penalties and interests and… and stuff. At times I just want to give up. Then, I learn that Bitcoin is lost all the time because people give up and “lost” bitcoin goes to other Bitcoin holders. So I’ve read and so I continue in my efforts.

,I don’t know if I’ve been taken for a ride and perhaps that’s all it’s been, but it seems that just as I’ve paid in my fees, other fees show up and I never see any money, so here I sit, looking at two separate accounts with a total supposed value of nearly $200K, wondering if I’ve made a mistake and should I quit?

I don’t know why, but it’s far more difficult than I imagined.

Then, I fell in love with someone online. Is he real or just a scammer? Well, he hasn’t asked for any money, so who knows? Only time will tell. Maybe he just scams hearts and makes people like me feel valued? I haven’t decided on that either. I didn’t know I could feel this intense about anyone. From almost the get go, we seemed to be on the same wavelength and it felt pretty doggone nice. I don’t recall having ever felt this way about anyone. Ever.

For those of you coming in late to the drama I call my life, I’ve been married three times. The first marriage was a shotgun wedding due to the fact that I’d been date raped and ended up pregnant. Because the young man had a prestigious occupation, he didn’t want to lose his job for his less than honorable behavior, so he took responsibility. Shotgun, because when I refused his proposal, he went to mother and they ganged up on me. How do you hide a pregnancy? It was a different time then.

My second marriage was an act of rebellion and pride. My young suitor was 10 years younger, a virgin and his parents despised me. The more they fought us, the more we fought them. I wasn’t too bright in those days. Marriage three was a result of the #1 and #2 failures plus guilt. He was 13 years younger. I liked him very much. He was my friend and confidant and both of us married on the rebound figuring we got along fine, so why not? Guilt came in to play because we were sleeping together and that wasn’t the “example” we wanted to set for my children. Big mistake. So many things went wrong after that.

As you all may know, I lost my sister last year and not surprisingly, I’ve been quite numb about it. I hadn’t had my full on cry until recently. There have been moments where I thought the dam would break and it was always in the midst of another trauma, like a divorce, my brother having a stroke, or me plateauing on my quest for thinness. (see below) Disappointingly, I’ve been stuck 10 pounds shy of my intended goal. It’s only 10 pounds and I can’t seem to get there. Oh well.

What has kept me sane during this time is walking and taking pictures. I averaged about 3-4 miles a day, up until recently, that is. The hurdles keep coming.

I had intended to walk 75 miles for my 75th birthday. That didn’t pan out, as it would have taken a full two days and I think it was a bit much. Instead, I revised it to 75km, which would have been approximately 30 miles? I managed 15 miles instead, but I’m proud of that as I was carrying a heavy backpack which I hadn’t considered would change the dynamic of my stride and stamina. You may remember I did the sky diving thing, but I had a partner for support on that one. Each year I challenge myself with something new. I skipped last year, as did most people.

I had originally thought to do a K-pop video, but somehow gyrating in front of a camera wasn’t my thing even though I’m quite capable of doing the moves. At least some of them. Part of my reason for changing my mind on that had to do with me seeing an old Italian woman on TikTok doing a self video of herself, gyrating, half naked, in front of the camera. Some people dissed her of course, but many applauded her as well and even though I admired her gutsiness, I didn’t want that image of me pervading the internet, so I opted out of that choice. No, no, no! Not for me. I’m far too vain to subject myself to that.

So, I’m back to writing.

I’ve cycled in so many ways the past year and I’m not even sure I like the new me. I’m still on this journey of self discovery. Who would’ve thunk it at my age? I guess, wishful thinking and regret can come at any age.

I think and wonder if being alone all the time hasn’t played a big part in what I’ve been going through. Was it a byproduct of Covid? I don’t know. Maybe it was a combination of things. Seeing my sister give up on life and knowing how she never realized any of her dreams before she died, depressed me. And, there, go but I. I stayed in a marriage, I’d contemplated leaving almost constantly and instead continued settling because it was the road of least resistance. I mean he’s a “good guy” and we never fought. I realized it was because I didn’t care enough to fight. Sad. Doing anything else would require considerable effort. I guess I was lazy? Plus, there was always something else going on that took priority. I didn’t have time for my wants and happiness, so they took a backseat.

I have, my whole life accepted and paid the price of my choices or lack thereof. When I say accepted, I mean, I fell into doing what was acceptable and to please others. Like I said, I had a rebellious moment or two along the way, but I would always give into what others dictated for me. I dawned on me this past year, how often I’ve put my life on hold for others, so they could be fulfilled and I began to wonder, what about me?

A part of me feels guilty to want new or better, something others may not feel I should. I sort of feel that way about the guy I love, but damn it, I’m putting my life on hold again!

Then there’s the supposed money sitting in Bitcoin heaven… or is it hell? Is the reason, I’ve not seen anything because I don’t “deserve” it or is there a higher power telling me I shouldn’t? I’ve lived with a lot of God guilt in my time, but as one person told me, you can’t put guilt if guilt is not there. Raised to feel guilty when I don’t need to is a hard habit to break. I know God wants good things for us, so that’s not it.

I think in part I’ve had so many years of indoctrination that I psychologically resist having things go right for me. I’m not supposed to “want” or desire for anything more than what I have.

So I’m brain dead. Numb.

I’ve lost my direction and don’t know what to do about it, so I pray. But… I kinda forgot how to I guess, because I’ve not gotten an answer yet.

Or maybe, the fact that I’ve not succeeded in those quests is my answer? See?

There I go again. I’m the queen of self sabotage. GUILT! ARGH

35 pounds thinner and very tan.

Perhaps I’m overthinking this, but it did get me to wondering.

I decided for a change to instead of walking the beach or my usual neighborhood, I would instead walk the mall. It was quite interesting noticing the change in style and women’s fashion.

As you all know by now, or probably have figured, I’m a big fan of Korean Drama. Although many of the leads do wear pants, short skirts seem to be the rage there. Style and fashion is pretty typical except for the young farm girl that comes to the big city of Seoul. Of course, keep in mind, they only show the “beautiful” people, cute petite girls that look good in most anything but pants, because they are generally too skinny. Ha!

I’m not really too mainstream and I don’t do the mall much, but I do, do it enough to see changes.

Well, let me tell you, I saw dresses. Yes, dresses and skirts. Lots of them.

I wondered if this is because of the growing popularity of K-Dramas, plus Asian dramas in general and K-pop groups? I pondered that. I’m a fan of BTS (and others)- check them out!

https://youtube.com/watch?v=cfvBgiRSfNk

BTS is a well known K-Pop group that played at the Super Bowl halftime and toured our beautiful country. They were invited to our country and sadly incurred some mixed reactions. Overall, I hope it was a pleasant experience for them and us. the reason I wondered is shortly after, campaigns against Asian hate kicked in which disturbed me, so I may have missed something somewhere. I did see a video of one hostile interviewer that I could see made them uncomfortable and made me saddened that their reception was not always pleasant. Granted, their understanding in some cases was not perfect, but you can’t miss the tone. The tone is a giveaway in any language. But, I digress! That’s not what my story is about.

It was actually supposed to be somewhat of a “fashion” piece, lol ooops! <smile>

Okay, it’s like this… the real story.

You know when your brain has lots of time to ponder and query everything under the sun on long walks? So, my-mind started going to town. I noticed in store windows, how so many displays and styles focused on dresses. Remember when dresses were in vogue? Well, that was my era, I guess.

I started checking out all the stores and taking pictures. I deleted some so what I share will just be a few.

I don’t know if it is in part the new foreign dramas or maybe it’s more than that. Bear with me.

I am not by any means a women’s libber and/or activist, that’s not me. I appreciate the strides women have made to take back their self respect and not be treated so utilitarian. Even though some of these groups go overboard, I appreciate that for the most part, they’ve given women the right to be treated with respect and not meat on a chopping block. That means a lot.

I don’t know why this pictures has been chopped off!! Grrrr!

I neither look good in dresses anymore, but wish I did, because there were some lovely styles out there.

It made me wonder if women are now starting to embrace their femininity once again, because they can? Women perhaps are getting more comfortable wearing attire that makes them feel well, like women.

I don’t know how to say this without sounding archaic and out of date. But quite frankly, when I was young, I was quite the looker as some might say and I hated more than anything that a man might make some nasty, vulgar remark because I was friendly and had a coquettish look. I wondered, on my walk, if women donned on pants to hide their beauty and to look less appealing.

Pants, put women on more of an even keel, I think. They really are not attractive, generally. They allowed us freedom to do things like guys do that dresses did not. As a girl, I was a tree climber. I climbed everything and in a dress! I got to wear shorts occasionally but never long pants.

With women no longer fearful of cat calls, they are now free to be women in all respects and still be recognized as being more than a pretty face or figure.

It could have all to do or nothing to do with Asian drama’s but instead that of our own emancipation and taking back our right to be beautiful and feminine.

I could be wrong.

PS, I apologize for some pictures being cut off. They aren’t in my media library, but didn’t transfer to the post well.