Fear – Working Through It

This is my home:IMG_2710


Two Men

Earlier today I had two unknown men run across my backyard and out our side gate. As I saw them run past my french doors, I kept my eye on them following them around to my other french doors in the dining room,  I noticed those doors were locked.  About that time Ferguson jumped up and started barking as the fumbled with the gate catch. I quickly jumped up and flipped the lock on the first set of doors.

I ran for my phone but I’d couldn’t get it back up quick enough.  I’d just shut it down and was rebooting it when this started.

These two guys didn’t look like vagrants.  What they did look like were two men running from the law.


Our home overlooks a canyon, which of late has been housing some homeless.  I’ve never fussed about it as some of you may have noticed in previous posts, my feeling has been one of compassion.  However, we have a new batch and they have littered and destroyed the terrain below us.  They say you can tell a lot about a person by how they keep their home, perhaps that’s what contributed to my discomfort, I don’t know. Nonetheless, as my hubby and I looked out our backyard the other day we were grateful for the thick growth of thick trees and bushes below us which appear to be impenetrable. It has always made me feel safe.  If I can’t get through them then who can?

My Why

Right now, I sit here overwhelmed with fear. I can’t stop crying afraid to open my doors.

The night before the police helicopters had been searching for someone and on their bull horn gave a description. Could this be them? Was there a them? I thought it was just one guy.

I did finally get through to the police and they were nice. The dispatch lady tried to calm me.  The dispatcher said, no, it wasn’t the man they’d been looking for, they caught the guy last night.  She asked for their description which I gave to her.  She wanted to be sure I was okay. I told her I would call my husband as he worked nearby.  She thought that a good idea.  So, as soon as I could somewhat calm myself I tried to him.  I couldn’t get a ring and it went to voicemail.  I’m thinking perhaps he’d forgotten to charge it.  So, I called his work. By now, I’m crying in a panic rush but I’m not getting anywhere there either.  It kept asking for me to punch an extension which I didn’t know, always relying on the cell.  So, I hit HR, but get nothing.  No one answers. I do this three times trying different extensions.  It’s like WTF!

I’m angry and in a dither.  Through all this I actually debated whether or not I could show up at his work with no makeup and my hair still wet.  How vain am I?  VERY!!!

Yes, I’d just moments before gotten out of the shower. At least I was dressed but I’d not yet blow dried my hair or put makeup on. I thought I’d just hang out for a change and yes, I put makeup on every. single. day.  But yes, I got in the car and started to back out of the driveway when the police showed up, so I stayed and showed them around.

I took them to the backyard, which I’d not been out to and there were 5-6 police cars and vans searching the brush.  I looked up at the cop and he said, that what happens is when they cruise the homeless camp areas, the ones with warrants will run off and that is probably what happened.  Even though that should have eased my mind, it didn’t.

We talked more about home security systems for our home and weapons, should I want to add that measure.  Yes, we talked about that. They actually recommended less harmful weaponry that can ward off a perp but have limited range and not hurt anyone else, should you fire it. I can’t remember what, but that’s not much good to me.

Knowing California law, I sold anything I had (nothing serious, just enough for the coyotes, possums and varmints on the farm), now I wish I had something for the varmints that might come up my slope.IMG_2718

I was grateful that my door wasn’t hanging open like it usually is.

I finally got through to Russ, he had checked his phone and called me back and of course, came and checked on me.  I put up a stiff upper lip and he went back to work.

I felt like such a whiny, cry-baby lady.

I don’t know why it left me so rattled.  They weren’t in the least bit interested in coming into my home, but some how I felt violated and less safe. I’m alone 10 hours a day.  I go to the gym a few hours a week and go shopping on occasion.  I have very few friends that live nearby. Since I moved from Alabama, the people I’ve met here are too busy with their own lives and families.  I’m not one of those that locks her doors, my husband is fanatical about it. Now, it looks like I will have to and it makes me so angry and sad.

We are not in a bad neighborhood or part of town. It’s just a regular suburban home and yet… I no longer feel safe.

Right now I’m yearning for the farm.

The Farm


14 thoughts on “Fear – Working Through It

  1. I like only cause you are safe! WOW my friend that sounds really hard. Thank God you were not harmed. It will cause some fear but I will pray for the peace that passes all understanding to come and put itself on you as a cloak. Psalms 91 from the Passion Translation helps me to remain calm. I do pray that it will help you as well. Great view by the way!

    Safe and Secure
    When you sit enthroned under the shadow of Shaddai,
    you are hidden in the strength of God Most High.
    He’s the hope that holds me and the Stronghold to shelter me,
    the only God for me, and my great confidence.
    He will rescue you from every hidden trap of the enemy,
    and he will protect you from false accusation
    and any deadly curse.
    His massive arms are wrapped around you, protecting you.
    You can run under his covering of majesty and hide.
    His arms of faithfulness are a shield keeping you from harm.
    You will never worry about an attack of demonic forces at night
    nor have to fear a spirit of darkness coming against you.
    Don’t fear a thing!
    Whether by night or by day, demonic danger will not trouble you,
    nor will the powers of evil launched against you.
    Even in a time of disaster, with thousands and thousands being killed,
    you will remain unscathed and unharmed.
    you will be a spectator as the wicked perish in judgment,
    for they will be paid back for what they have done!
    When we live our lives within the shadow of God Most High,
    our secret hiding place, we will always be shielded from harm.
    How then could evil prevail against us or disease infect us?
    God sends angels with special orders to protect you wherever you go,
    defending you from all harm.
    If you walk into a trap, they’ll be there for you
    and keep you from stumbling.
    You’ll even walk unharmed among the fiercest powers of darkness,
    trampling every one of them beneath your feet!
    For here is what the Lord has spoken to me:
    “Because you have delighted in me as my great lover,
    I will greatly protect you.
    I will set you in a high place, safe and secure before my face.
    I will answer your cry for help every time you pray,
    and you will find and feel my presence
    even in your time of pressure and trouble.
    I will be your glorious hero and give you a feast.
    You will be satisfied with a full life and with all that I do for you.
    For you will enjoy the fullness of my salvation!”


  2. I am glad you are safe. It does sound like you need to keep your doors locked. I keep mine locked when I’m home alone. I have two dogs with me at all times. One is a mastiff, the other an American Eskimo Dog, both protective. Take care.


      1. Look into livestock guardian dogs. They are typically loving and affectionate to children but very also protective. My fave is the Bernese Mountain Dog, the perfect nanny dog.


      2. Yes, I did one of those profiles for what dog would be best suited to me and that was the dog I was connected to. Interesting. My little dog found us and he’s pretty neat, but certainly not intimidating. thanks! and thanks for stopping by.


  3. How unsettling! We didn’t lock our doors in NY until we knew someone had sat in our cars in the driveway and smoked. The evidence was there. We live out from town in NC, so we went back to not locking. Locks are back on now after an intruder walked up on our next door neighbor’s porch and brazenly looked in at her. WE lose freedom when these things happen. I’m sorry your sense of peace was stolen from you.


  4. I’d recommend having a can of pepper spray handy. Sure, a handgun and a determined look might do better as a deterrent but you have less of a hurdle to clear before you use it. I’d be reluctant to pull a trigger on someone unless they were clearly a lethal threat. I’d be less reluctant if the trigger were a form of non-lethal defense.

    Maybe these men were hardened criminals or maybe they were just trying to avoid the border patrol. I have nothing but sympathy for people desperately fleeing poverty for the comparative affluence of living underground in the US. It is true that they don’t belong here but that shouldn’t be a death sentence.

    I can’t help but think of multiple instances where you kids got shot because they snuck into someone’s swimming pool after dark. These things happen. A mistake like that would destroy me.

    Plus there is the question of what happens if you miss. In a really frightening situation, you WILL be shaking. A bullet might end up lodged in someone a hundred yards away. Pepper spray creates a cloud of defense between you and the target, accuracy not required. Our already gagging and blinded perp has to wade deeper into misery to get to you. Fortunately, these guys had no interest in you and just wanted to escape.

    Locked gates and high walls are your first line of defense A very loud and protective dog is next. So are locks on doors and windows, burglar alarms, security cameras, etc. Pepper spray is for when all that fails. Firearms have a place in life and if you have then you should be sure to be competent with them. But they are not often the best defensive solution.

    It will take a while for the shakes and insecurity to go away, a mild form of PTSD. Just try to think of it as a learning experience. These things happen. They are uncommon but they occur to almost everyone at one time or another. Take it in stride and move on. You are now a better person for it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, the weapon the police suggested required buckshot and was for close range with a wide spray that wouldn’t endanger people or penetrate buildings farther away .
      I don’t believe the people we have below are Hispanic. The one guy may have been Asian/Hispanic mix and the other white. They were not dirty at all. They were wearing clean clothes and the one with long hair had clean shiny hair, which is why I (and police) believed they were hiding from the law. The others I’ve seen were also white. The ones a few years ago had jobs and were also clean, but they kept their area clean, so I didn’t mind them. I’d see them get on the train to go to work and I’d see them at the store. I’m guessing with a gym membership ($10-$30) a month in some places, they can bathe. My concern now is meth labs. Some have cooking stations down there and they have gone up to the neighbors to draw water. I have a fence no gate that borders the slope but they scaled that. They got to the front gate to go out.
      It is a concern though because San Diego is practically drawing more homeless here because of the freebies they provide. There is a dilemma here in the US with costs of living soaring and wages not matching. I think it’s also the reason why people really don’t want those (I don’t know the correct term) who come here because of all the services we provide for nothing and that many of the homeless feel are being taken from them, I don’t know other than I heard one mention it. It is a conundrum, but I think most of the homeless, are either jobless by choice, mentally ill or hiding from the law, I realize more and more are a result of lost income and other reasons. Some get out of it and others don’t. Some states offer more than others and an equitable climate are factors that determine where they congregate.
      I have some mace, but I forgot I had it.
      whatever you use, you always have to make sure it’s in a handy, safe place that is out of harms way. I tend to forget. (Funny but not funny) I’m so much better now and wonder how I managed to get so worked up. As a flight attendant many moons ago, I could be as cool as a cucumber in a disaster situation. I guess having a procedure helps, so I will heed your advice and set one up for myself so that I’m prepared. Thanks for your tips.


    1. Well, after that several of my neighbors gave me their number in case it every happened again. The friend I thought was out of town hadn’t left yet, so when she read my post, she called right away and then called the police. She’s a single woman living alone and she too, was concerned for me and others like us. It’s a transitioning neighborhood, where some my age and older live. Many have left and younger ones are moving in. The next day from my friends house, we get a different vantage point than the one the cops would get from below or from my house and we noticed that there are several hidden in our trees and bushes all along the edge of our yards. They were back the next day and we could see them moving around. One woman down the road, told another neighbor that they’ve come into her backyard to get water. THAT is too much.

      Liked by 1 person

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