There’s No White Knight Coming

Harrumph!

When I was a girl, all my fairy tales had me believing that one day I could count on being rescued. They lied.

One of the selling points and one of my favorite lines from Pretty Woman, was her dream that she wanted the fairy tale. The prince on a white charger, who she would rescue back. Ah yes, the fairy tale.

Today’s young women are seeking to be empowered without a male. Society has emasculated the men of today. In some instances, it’s hard to tell gender. Men are being portrayed as either weak, idiots, suppressive, as well as oppressive. I grew up in a period where I was taught I am not complete without a male. It’s a hard habit to break, I must admit.

Since I made that decision to leave my husband, I did it not counting on being rescued.

That was one of the questions he posed at the time and a question I have pondered since. I think I’ve touched on this before but because I’m going through the trials presently, it’s back on my mind.

While I was on my walk, I thought of all the things I wanted say to him and believe it or not, I was quite witty and eloquent but now, head on, it’s gone, lol.

I think part of my problem is that I’m a negative nelly. I can see it in my son, but I have to admit, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. I wonder if I don’t sabotage my relationships. I’m a pretty neat lady and lots of fun, but when it comes to relationships I fail miserably.

On that note, my intentions for this new year, is to give of myself abundantly, smile often and bring a smile to others whenever and if at all possible.

Easier said than done. Even though I’ve not driven often since my auto accident and because of Covid; I think I got it unknowingly though unconfirmed. How do I know? Well…

I did the unthinkable. I had my Covid test as required before my colonoscopy and it came out fine. Ideally, it would have been two days before but that would have had to be on Christmas day, so instead I had it done on Friday, the day before. ON Sunday my results were negative. By Monday, I had a horrible headache and some slight sniffles, so I did a nasal wash. I called the on-call nurse to verify and confirm the pre-day procedure. She noticed my congestion and was focusing on Covid rather than the questions I was asking, so I decided to hang up and talk to the doctors nurse.

How many of you have, like me wondered if colds and flu have been lumped together with supposed Covid cases? I thought she was making too much of it, I’m sorry to say, so I blew her off.

We spent Christmas with my mother in law.

After the colonoscopy, I went home and was miserable the next few days. I slept and ached nonstop.

The following weekend, New years day, we spent the day with mother in law and everything was fine.

Last weekend she did an at home test and tested positive. My daughter the nurse, says those are actually 90% accurate and, get this, do not have to be reported.

I’ve sent my doctor my symptoms and that information and gotten no response, so who knows? Did I have it? I don’t know. All I do know is how miserable I felt.

Being sick and miserable, I did ponder once again my intentions. Husband doesn’t want me to go. He figures 30 years were wasted, if I do. Hmmm. Something, I thought of as well, is, I’m no spring chicken, so what am I going to do out there in the big, bad world all alone? Would I be okay? Will I do better or worse? But… I’m not sure I want anyone. Right now I think, no.

We live modestly, but are by no means impoverished. We lack for nothing, really.

There are so many things I want to do. Can I do them with him? He’s not a bad person, but he never looks happy. He is fretting that he’ll never find a replacement, because he knows he’s not a handsome man. Which I find curious. Why do I need to be replaced? Which makes me wonder why he liked me to begin with. He has a dry wit and that can be cool. In sports and games, he just has to win. He has to be the best. Always. The men in my family like him fine, the women not so much, but then I come from a long line of free spirited women.

He once told me I was the foo-fooiest girl he ever dated. Most of the women before me were competitive cyclists and looked and acted like guys. When he spent $60 on our first date, he said he’d never spent that much on anyone! When we mountain-climbed and I had trouble keeping up, he never waited. It was always his friends that would stop and hold until I could catch up and then everyone would immediately pop up and keep going. They’d rested and snacked and I barely got a drink. I chalked it up to his toughening me up. I eventually got better and could keep up, but it always felt like I wasn’t important enough. Now, suddenly I am. It’s funny but the sport I was good at, rock climbing, he didn’t like as much and he was good at that too.

So, I’m at the crossroads. Do I settle for being the page and this is what the prince really looks like?

Photo by Daisa TJ on Pexels.com

PS

I’m saying this somewhat tongue in cheek, because I’ve talked to several couples who’ve made similar discoveries since Covid. It’s funny how when you live your day to day life, coming and going and interacting very little, you can put up with so much more. Suddenly confined, you realize, that’s what you’ve been doing. Putting up. For many couples, it went one of two ways, they either fell back in love or realized they had nothing in common.

In all fairness, I’ve noticed in myself, becoming a whiney bitch and that’s not me. Somewhat. I’ve always thought of myself as a glass half full kind of person and yet I find myself grumpy and fussy. I found myself picking at little things like whether or not after 8 years in this house, he still doesn’t know what dishes go where in the cupboard or that dishing the rice from the middle of the pot rather than neatly from the sides is irritating. Leaving the lid off when he dishes himself something to eat and letting it cool off is not considerate for whoever might come after for seconds. He loves to make up words, like a child would. Everything has an adulterated version of the real word. His mom thinks it’s cute. The thing is, I guess some women might actually find it funny or cute. Why is that? I find it annoying. Poor guy, he can’t win. He does have warm, comforting hugs though. I guess that’s something.

Photo by Charlotte May on Pexels.com

10 thoughts on “There’s No White Knight Coming

  1. I’m going to go for it, because this matters and so does our friendship. Here goes. First, my wife is horrible to her daughters and me. She’s lovely to strangers, but mean and spiteful to us. There’s a reason for this. She has a MASSIVE inferiority complex. Not long ago, our daughter was actually contemplating suicide over all of this. She’s on the dramatic side, but it really was pretty bad. Now, I could have piled on and wrecked my wife over this – I had her cold. Instead, I thought about what I’d done wrong in the situation. My kids often got my wife’s wrath which meant I had it easier. I’d left them exposed to handle my wife, though, and I felt horrible for not having seen my inaction for what it was. I changed immediately and had meetings with my daughters from then on to make sure they were okay. When their mom took it too far, I’d step in and protect the kids (never physically, mind you, it was always verbal with my wife). Anyway, I could go on for a while with this. The important part is, six months later my wife is in counseling and we’re starting to heal. I was very close to taking the kids and leaving my wife. I had the perfect excuse and I could have kept everything… but deep down, I really did and still do love her. We just had a trainload of baggage behind us that had to be uncoupled.

    You are partially responsible for that baggage in your relationship, as I was with my wife. Take care of yours and let him work his out.

    And if he hurts you, rather than internalize that 💩, let him know it hurts when he does that. The hard part is that letting him know the right way leaves you open…

    And above all, remember this: you picked him in the first place. If it weren’t for his flaws, he’d have picked a better wife.

    That last bit is why I didn’t leave my wife.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. .And, vice, versa. Thank you for this. Your wife sounds like my mother and daughter. Both prone to verbal attacks. Because mother was so verbally abusive, I’ve gone the opposite. What hurts our relationship is that we don’t fight, so nothing seems to get aired out. I think, in 30 years, the number of blowouts amount to about 4 or 5 and they always re-itterate (sp) the same things. Small changes get made, but never resolved. I’m in therapy and he did say he’d be willing. So, that’s a start. Thanks

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Remember what my sponsor told me, it applies here to you: “Jimmy, sometimes you wanna throw ’em like a lawn dart, but you just gotta love ’em.”

        The short version is “you just gotta love her”, or “him” in your case. All the rest can be figured out. Maybe try being friends again. That’s what works for me… though it isn’t easy.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I hadn’t even made it to this: “dishing the rice from the middle of the pot rather than neatly from the sides is irritating.”

    I can’t believe I just read that. You’ve got plenty to work on if you want to save that relationship. Just fixing your stuff will make his immensely better. That’s how it worked for my wife.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I don’t have an answer for you, but I think you already knew that. The fact is only you can make that decision. 25 years ago I made my decision when my first wife and I fell out of love. It was not hard for me to do so, I was ready for the break, but you are never really ready for the heartache that follows. There were days of crying in the shower ( I too grew up in an era where men don’t show emotions in public), but I have never regretted the break-up of that marriage.

    That moved me to explore myself, to find out what I really wanted, granted I was younger then, but I was determined that I didn’t need a women in my life, that is until I did. Married a second time was a much better path, yet we still have our ups and downs, which have been magnified by Covid.

    I completely understand your frustration with the little things he doesn’t seem to remember or understand. I’m an engineer by training and my brain cries out for order, things need to be where things ought to be, and my wife was born an artist. Her creativity astounds me every single day, but her chaotic placement of things drives me to internal rage. In the end, they are but little things, and not worthy of “blowing up” over. Yes, Covid and lockdown magnified our differences, but if it’s meant to be it will be. I can’t say we re-found love, but we have rekindled friendship and support for each other after 2 years of not being able to do the day-by-day flyby.

    Good luck on your journey not matter which way you decide to fly, solo or together.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. They’d rested and snacked and I barely got a drink. I chalked it up to his toughening me up. I eventually got better and could keep up, but it always felt like I wasn’t important enough. Now, suddenly I am. It’s funny ….<—My ex was the same. I wasn't good enough or fun to do things with til I decided to leave. This is why he is the ex.

    Liked by 1 person

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