I got to talking to a friend of mine who was having difficulty coming into her own. Like myself, I believe this person selects partners that though may be verbally encouraging, are in fact enablers.

I have felt that way on more than one occasion.

Then I thought of this one couple in particular, but I’ve seen it in others as well, who had, what appeared to be the same level of fame or success in their careers, until they married.

Suddenly one of them skyrockets with success and the other is relegated to living in the background, their identity and success, no longer a priority. Is it a choice or did they find themselves relegated to being great cheerleaders? Did it just happen? It could destroy some marriages.

I have often said, when I see someone who failed and that includes me, “they just didn’t want it bad enough.” There’s also a saying, you can’t have two roosters in a hen house.

I don’t see this as much when two people already famous get together, but more so when they are on the rise. (then, you might have the competitive ego to contend with) <big smile> I could be wrong.

With this one couple, who will remain nameless, the famous spouse is always pushing the other front and center by including them in their shots or commending them in one way or another. for being part of their support system They, for all intense and purposes, appear to be heroic and admirable. Perhaps they are. Guilt can play a part in this is my guess. How can they not know their partner lost their luster? If I, and possibly others, can see it in their partners face and demeanor, why don’t they?

I have often wondered, how did I get here? How did I not see what I was doing? Because the reality of it is, we choose these people. The enabelers. The crazymakers.

I told a special friend, that my biggest fear is losing self. For many years, I forfeited self in all my relationships and family. Me. I made that choice. Was it fear? Was I afraid to live my life honestly?

Sometimes that’s all it is. I was talking to a loved one and she admits to doing poorly in relationships. Sounds like me. It’s too easy to lose self and one’s goals in a relationship. Without even thinking about it we find ourselves working toward their goals, while ours get abandoned. Then there’s the person with no goals but is not there for yours either. There’s always going to be someone unfulfilled. Would we know it? Retrospection is not something new, but it is only in this day and age that it is being permitted to have and/or express. Dissatisfaction, was something we accepted, not exclusive to but mostly in women. There has always been the guy who when learning that his girlfriend was pregnant, didn’t run away, but sucked it up and did right by her and the child. You don’t see that as much anymore, but there was a time. There was also the woman, who gave up her career choice to stay home and raise kids. What about the woman, who was hoping once her kids were grown to live her dream finding herself suddenly caring for the child of her unwed daughter or son? Like I said this is not exclusive to one gender over another. Men are doing that now as well, when the woman becomes the highest income earner, he can sometimes, especially once the family is started, giving up his career choice. I could go on, and on. The thing about it is, are we asking too much to want to be fulfilled? To want what we want?

My sister and I started writing a few years before our parents required our attention. She wrote stories and did crayon art. I wrote stories and screenplays and sang in the choir. It was great. Once they were gone we went different ways, but not a day went by that we weren’t on the phone cheering each other on.

My sister’s passing left me feeling less than whole and unable to express myself like the two of us together could. I felt often that I no longer cared and I received no such interaction from anyone else. It was crippling.

After a bout with Covid, it took all the energy I had to stay here. I often wished to be with my sister. It was like get it over with by golly! I’m still tired a lot but I now want to get back to writing. I have so many ideas overflowing out of my brain, but … and there goes my but. I’d love to have someone to talk to and bounce these ideas off of. I’d like someone to interact with about what works and what doesn’t. I haven’t found that. Oh, I had one such online person that started out like that and he sounded excited about my stories, but not having someone live makes a difference. Online, it’s hard to tell sincerity. It’s hard to say, yeah, that could work but no it won’t work and hear the intonation of their voices, their laugh.

Oh, to have someone live to share these moments. Someone, who will free me and not steal from me, my spirit and my joy.

It can happen.

Living in the shadows sucks.