Author: Joliesattic

Do Overs and What If’s (Is it Fate?)

~ Joliesattic ~ 9 Comments

This is a post I started two years ago. I was in a contemplative mood apparently and to be honest, I have no idea where I intended to take it or where it could have gone, <big smile> but here it is.

Photo by Ketut Subiyanto on Pexels.com

What if I had my life to do over again, would I find myself in a different time and place or would I be where I am today as an inevitability of FATE? 

My childhood, I know, I cannot change because my parents would have been the same, having endowed me with the same hangups and insecurities I have now so that when I finally grew up, which would later influence the decisions I made in life.  Wow!, that was a mouthful. Yet, there were turning points in their life that could have been different.  In those known cases, my childhood could have taken another turn.

For example:

Turning point #1

What if when mother left my dad early on in their marriage and fled back to Mexico only to learn that she was pregnant with me and had decided NOT to go back to her abusive husband but instead stayed where she was and do her best by me and her life in Mexico? What would my life have been like then?  For sure I know I would not have had the three siblings that followed.  For sure I would not have suffered an abusive father or would that have been a destiny either way? Curious thought. Would I have managed to end up back in the states? Would my mother have married a Mexican fisherman or farmer, or would she have managed to hook a rich guy somewhere else? Had she been an educated woman, perhaps, but she wasn’t. 

But no, she did go back to my dad and she did have three more children by him.

Turning point #2

What if my parents had not divorced when I was 15 and I had been able to stay in Hollywood, auditioning for parts to be an actor.  Would I have made it?  Did I even have a chance?  I never got to find out one way or another. I never got to know.

Again no, they did get divorced and she married a man with four kids of his own and  had another child between them, so I became “mother” to 8 younger siblings and Hollywood was no more.

Turning point # 3

What if I’d not been abused and looking for love in all the wrong places but instead paid attention to my studies, where would I be?  According to testing done in the short time I was in college, (before I got pregnant) I scored high for an aptitude in scientific research studies and/or teaching.  I would have loved to have pursued those as a career. Scientific research, I mean.  Perhaps even become an archaeologist, a botanist or in lieu of current events, a research scientist. Except for the math part, I loved science.

Turning point #4

What if I’d married my college sweetheart?  Where would my life be? Would the marriage have lasted?  Given each of our backgrounds as they were, probably not. Once again, if we could change the baggage we were each carrying, could we have made it work, who knows?  Also, had I become an actress and/or a research scientist, I would not have gotten pregnant in the first place. LOL  Worse than that, I wouldn’t have my(our) sweet, loving daughter, who I love immeasurably.

(I tried to find a picture of the SST to put here, but failed miserably, so look it up, it’s an amazing obsolete jet). Picture that.

Turning point #5

If I’d taken up the offer to become a mistress to one of the French designers of the Concord SST, what would my life have been like?  Let me make it clear, it was never a consideration but… what if it had been?

For one, I would have compromised my ideals of marrying for love for money. I was taken aback by the proposition in the first place because I thought a mistress had to have certain “talents” and we had not bedded.   He said in his country (France) it was customary for a man of means to take one. There was no leering or unseemly behavior before the offer was made.  His offer was all business-like and respectful if you can believe that. He said he liked me because I was “an innocent” despite the fact I was an unwed mother.    He offered me a villa on the Riviera and of course more children and a place for my family and he would accept my daughter as his own and she would attend the finest schools in France, as would our children.  I would be his courtesan to events.  What a temptation, you might think.  NOT!  There was so much more to our conversation but I firmly told him I could not deliberately enter into a relationship that was in conflict with my beliefs. We parted and that was it.  I sometimes wonder if he ever found his “innocent”.  I might add, this man was extremely handsome. Movie star handsome but I turned him down anyway, but I never forgot it.  Keep in mind I am an American Girl, so such a proposition couldn’t be anything but memorable. LOL

Turning point # 6

What would my life had been like had I not walked away from a good man who just happened to get drafted and sent to Vietnam?  Would he have made it home safe and sound? Would we have made a happy family?  Would I have been able to deal with his horrid mother? Why didn’t I wait?   But sometimes destiny takes a different turn.  Think about it, all those in my life now would not have been.  Weird huh?

Turning point #7

What would my life have been like had I not been raped and had I not married the man that raped me?   She was a gift and though she and I  had a rocky start, we love each other dearly today.  Yes, it is possible to love a man who hurt you repeatedly and it is hard to love the child that was a reflection of him, but anyone determined to, can.  Had we not married he would not have adopted my eldest nor become the father she never knew and he was good to her.  It also, however, would not have caused a deep seated rivalry and competition between the two sisters vying for his love, as we all were at the time, but I got over my effort and they are still working through theirs.

Turning point #8

What if I’d never married husband number two?

Turning point #9

What if I’d never married husband number three?

I’m sure we can take each of our what if’s and visualize the best and worst that could have been and  imagine it’s possible results.  Mine are as follow: 

#1 would have been drastic. It would have been a life I can’t even fathom. I know mother would have worked hard to give me a life free of the burdens she endured as a child. She hated being a beggar and being poor, so those were things she would have never settled for.  I could possibly have ended up a street urchin, or working and running a restaurant? Mother was a determined woman and always had the entrepreneurial spirit and liked to cook, so that was a viable option. I know I would not have been barefoot, because shoes for some reason were important to her.  I, for sure  would have gone to school (she was big on education) and maybe she would have managed to return to the states. She did it once before, so there was that. But… would her husband there have stifled that?  Nope! She was too strong natured, even for that culture to let a man stop her, which is interesting because, I let everyone stop me. Beyond that I can’t really imagine what it would have been like.

#2 Had I had the opportunity to be an actress, I think I would have been a great one.  I say that because the other night, working with a film group, no female actors showed up, so I got to read the part.  It was a dramatic scene, where I pleaded and cried and I could see the camera man nearly crying with me!!!  It was the best complement ever. And… I am now making my own films, such as they are and I’m not great but the fire still burns.

#3  Had I kept my head on straight and finished college, I would have loved being a research scientist.  I love animals , so there’s a good chance I would have found a critter to advocate for.  Maybe I could have made a profound discovery or two.  The cure for Covid, maybe?

#4  If those elements that would have destined us to fail had not existed, I imagine we could have perhaps had one or two more children, lived in a number of foreign countries and continued our travels, exploring the world together today, living happily ever after.  He got to live that dream and is now retired in Bali, lol.

#5  I think had I chosen 5, my children may have been happy, well placed, but I doubt that I would have been happy.  Any time you go against your true nature, you cannot be happy and my true nature is what it is and likely to continue to death.  Isn’t there a song,  “you gotta stand for something or you’ll fall for anything”. – Aaron Tippin/John Mellencamp

#6 So many things could have changed the dynamics of this relationship. It was the Vietnam Era and it may have turned out fine, but it could have gone south.  I really have no ideal speculation other than perhaps I would have given this young man something to come home to.

#7 In pretty much all the above cases, I would not have had the children or life I have today had things been different.  I think our experiences make us who we are.  The compassion I have today may have come from the pain I went through before. It’s a tough call. Our history is who we are.

#8. It’s interesting but husband number 2, being the religious man that he was, actually turned me away from God.  It was ten years after that I would even pick up a Bible to even look at it.  There is so much wisdom in the bible but when it’s used as a whipping tool, it can sour the stomach. Yes, there are verses about reproof, but I like to think of it as forming.  Yet, that’s not how it was.  If my values seem conflicted sometimes, it’s because of that.  A part of me longs for the faith I used to have.

#9 Husband number three was an atheist, but that didn’t last because there was still enough belief in God for me to turn him into a believer, albeit it a weak one.  He may go to church if I insist, but I never force anyone to do anything they are uncomfortable with, so I accepted the discomfort. I long to have someone at my side that shares my faith in God and who will encourage me and sit with me in church and sing praises as loudly as I do.

Since the previous information, so much has happened…

I fell out of a relationship and in love with someone I can’t imagine ever getting to be with and every day is painful.  I am trying to accept this.  My heart feels like that of a teenager trying to get over her first love.  How can that be, I ask myself?  Did I never really love before?  I can’t imagine taking hold of my life deliberately and that’s where I want to be.

Now, my what if is, can I go for a life that is too unreal and be happy, like I’ve never known?  Or am I looking at the grass is greener on the other side?   Have you ever seen a picture of a pasture?  Well, it looks green, even and beautiful, right?  Wrong!   My cousin’s cow pasture looked that way, but if you walked it, it had dips and cow pie obstacles you had to navigate through, so nothing is at seems and I haven’t lived this long not to know it.

It’s like the acting, my writing or any other endeavor anyone goes for, it’s not all smooth sailing.  It all requires effort, but can I do it?  ME!  Can I?   Do I have the guts to change my what if? 

I have always gone with safe, but safe has left me wanting.  I guess, I’m my mother’s daughter to the end.  <big smile> 

What are your what if’s or do you ever think about them?

 

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

There’s No White Knight Coming

~ Joliesattic ~ 10 Comments

Harrumph!

When I was a girl, all my fairy tales had me believing that one day I could count on being rescued. They lied.

One of the selling points and one of my favorite lines from Pretty Woman, was her dream that she wanted the fairy tale. The prince on a white charger, who she would rescue back. Ah yes, the fairy tale.

Photo by RODNAE Productions on Pexels.com

Today’s young women are seeking to be empowered without a male. Society has emasculated the men of today. In some instances, it’s hard to tell gender. Men are being portrayed as either weak, idiots, suppressive, as well as oppressive. I grew up in a period where I was taught I am not complete without a male. It’s a hard habit to break, I must admit.

Since I made that decision to leave my husband, I did it not counting on being rescued.

That was one of the questions he posed at the time and a question I have pondered since. I think I’ve touched on this before but because I’m going through the trials presently, it’s back on my mind.

While I was on my walk, I thought of all the things I wanted say to him and believe it or not, I was quite witty and eloquent but now, head on, it’s gone, lol.

I think part of my problem is that I’m a negative nelly. I can see it in my son, but I have to admit, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. I wonder if I don’t sabotage my relationships. I’m a pretty neat lady and lots of fun, but when it comes to relationships I fail miserably.

On that note, my intentions for this new year, is to give of myself abundantly, smile often and bring a smile to others whenever and if at all possible.

Easier said than done. Even though I’ve not driven often since my auto accident and because of Covid; I think I got it unknowingly though unconfirmed. How do I know? Well…

I did the unthinkable. I had my Covid test as required before my colonoscopy and it came out fine. Ideally, it would have been two days before but that would have had to be on Christmas day, so instead I had it done on Friday, the day before. ON Sunday my results were negative. By Monday, I had a horrible headache and some slight sniffles, so I did a nasal wash. I called the on-call nurse to verify and confirm the pre-day procedure. She noticed my congestion and was focusing on Covid rather than the questions I was asking, so I decided to hang up and talk to the doctors nurse.

How many of you have, like me wondered if colds and flu have been lumped together with supposed Covid cases? I thought she was making too much of it, I’m sorry to say, so I blew her off.

We spent Christmas with my mother in law.

After the colonoscopy, I went home and was miserable the next few days. I slept and ached nonstop.

The following weekend, New years day, we spent the day with mother in law and everything was fine.

Last weekend she did an at home test and tested positive. My daughter the nurse, says those are actually 90% accurate and, get this, do not have to be reported.

I’ve sent my doctor my symptoms and that information and gotten no response, so who knows? Did I have it? I don’t know. All I do know is how miserable I felt.

Being sick and miserable, I did ponder once again my intentions. Husband doesn’t want me to go. He figures 30 years were wasted, if I do. Hmmm. Something, I thought of as well, is, I’m no spring chicken, so what am I going to do out there in the big, bad world all alone? Would I be okay? Will I do better or worse? But… I’m not sure I want anyone. Right now I think, no.

We live modestly, but are by no means impoverished. We lack for nothing, really.

There are so many things I want to do. Can I do them with him? He’s not a bad person, but he never looks happy. He is fretting that he’ll never find a replacement, because he knows he’s not a handsome man. Which I find curious. Why do I need to be replaced? Which makes me wonder why he liked me to begin with. He has a dry wit and that can be cool. In sports and games, he just has to win. He has to be the best. Always. The men in my family like him fine, the women not so much, but then I come from a long line of free spirited women.

He once told me I was the foo-fooiest girl he ever dated. Most of the women before me were competitive cyclists and looked and acted like guys. When he spent $60 on our first date, he said he’d never spent that much on anyone! When we mountain-climbed and I had trouble keeping up, he never waited. It was always his friends that would stop and hold until I could catch up and then everyone would immediately pop up and keep going. They’d rested and snacked and I barely got a drink. I chalked it up to his toughening me up. I eventually got better and could keep up, but it always felt like I wasn’t important enough. Now, suddenly I am. It’s funny but the sport I was good at, rock climbing, he didn’t like as much and he was good at that too.

So, I’m at the crossroads. Do I settle for being the page and this is what the prince really looks like?

Photo by Daisa TJ on Pexels.com

PS

I’m saying this somewhat tongue in cheek, because I’ve talked to several couples who’ve made similar discoveries since Covid. It’s funny how when you live your day to day life, coming and going and interacting very little, you can put up with so much more. Suddenly confined, you realize, that’s what you’ve been doing. Putting up. For many couples, it went one of two ways, they either fell back in love or realized they had nothing in common.

In all fairness, I’ve noticed in myself, becoming a whiney bitch and that’s not me. Somewhat. I’ve always thought of myself as a glass half full kind of person and yet I find myself grumpy and fussy. I found myself picking at little things like whether or not after 8 years in this house, he still doesn’t know what dishes go where in the cupboard or that dishing the rice from the middle of the pot rather than neatly from the sides is irritating. Leaving the lid off when he dishes himself something to eat and letting it cool off is not considerate for whoever might come after for seconds. He loves to make up words, like a child would. Everything has an adulterated version of the real word. His mom thinks it’s cute. The thing is, I guess some women might actually find it funny or cute. Why is that? I find it annoying. Poor guy, he can’t win. He does have warm, comforting hugs though. I guess that’s something.

Photo by Charlotte May on Pexels.com

Merry Christmas!

~ Joliesattic ~ 6 Comments

I was hoping to say something encouraging and insightful, but it was not a good year for me. I’ve incurred a great deal of losses and disappointments.

I would like to say I met all my goals, fulfilled all my dreams but I did not. I’ve been the lowest I’ve ever been and have, on more occasions than I care to admit, wished on numerous times to have left with my sister. I have never understood how people can mourn so deeply and for so long.

I’ve questioned God’s love over and over again and wondered what I did wrong that he would abandon me. I remember Job feeling that way and reminded myself not to curse God for what I didn’t achieve or get nor for his perceived abandonment.

I remember one time, telling my daughter how often I had felt that I gave and gave but had never gotten anything back in return. She asked me back, “Is that why you do it?”

Wow! Was that a slap in the face! I responded immediately, with, “No, but I’d like to feel appreciated once in awhile”, and I did. My childhood left me with many scars and lack of praise and worth were the most damaging. Even so, that question has always haunted me, because the truth is, I am no angel.

There have been many a time, when I did things because I wanted to be a hero and wanted someone to think I was better than I truly am. Not a good thing to learn about myself. I sacrificed years, being the good daughter to parents that had treated me horribly and although it brought me closer to my sister who I lost recently, it also filled me with such bitterness that I’m still working through.

I’ve spent too many years living my life to please others, including what I thought God expected of me.

That too, is something I’ve not figured out. What does he want or expect from me?

So, even though it is said, with age comes wisdom, it has not been true with me. I’m still learning.

Despite that, I am still hopeful that the year to come will prove to be the best year yet.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I’ve written some, which has been a good thing. A big plus in fact.

I know the past two years have been rough on everyone. Being alone has never felt so lonely. We’ve all had to deal with unprecedented circumstances and for some of us, reason and common sense went out the window because of our confinement.

I’ve mostly made many a bad choice this past year and a very few good ones … Here’s to making fewer bad ones in the future and hopefully having my wishes and dreams coming true in the coming year.

I’m hoping as well, that common sense will come back to the human race and the people of this country. We all want love to dominate, but it can’t be forced. Give others the benefit of the doubt and not be so quick to be judge and jury. We’ve all been guilty of saying things that could be misinterpreted and why are people being held accountable for things said many years ago? That is so wrong. People change. Attitudes change. We learn, we grow. What we may have thought or done before are not necessarily who we are now. We were given free will for a reason. It is why Jesus set the example, when he asked, “he who is without sin, cast the first stone!” If nothing else, let’s remind ourselves of these things. The days ahead are hard enough.

So, I guess if I can remind you of anything, remember the reason for the season. Why we were sent a redeemer for our sins and show our appreciation by becoming better people.

Wishing you all the best now and in the future. May God bless us all.

What Next? Me, Catching Up

~ Joliesattic ~ 5 Comments

As I said in my earlier post, I’ve been rather scattered. The following post was actually started in February or March, so even though I’m a day late and a dollar short, I still wanted to share my sentiment of the time.

______________

I keep hoping things will get better, but hell no! 2021 has other ideas.

The other day my brother had a stroke and my father in law died. All in one frikkin day!!!

My brother’s surgery went well. I was more anxious for the next day, because that’s when my sister’s surgery went awry. Some time after the surgery, he texted me to tell me he’d had a stroke. That was a good sign. I laughed and asked him “why are you “fuckin’ texting me?” My bad. What kind of sister does that? Right? To be honest, I told him I knew and how much I loved him before I cursed at him. And, I told him that again and again. He tried texting me about our sister Diana. I didn’t understand what he was trying to get across and I didn’t push it. I already knew he was having trouble putting sentences and thoughts together.

The next morning was the same. But, as the day went on it was getting better. The doctor said there’d been three clots. One in the carotid, the other two in other parts of the brain. Oh, our brains.

I told my half brother he was lucky we didn’t have the same dad, because everyone on daddy’s side has had strokes and in my sisters case it may have been a stroke induced by the brain surgery. We really don’t know because with Covid locking everything down, we never got to a doctor again. Her doctor had indicated that given where they were working it was possible, that’s why they’d been careful not to get too close to the pituitary and also the ocular nerve as that could have caused blindness. Despite their best intentions, neither precaution worked. Who knows, right? Anyway, Grandpa, Daddy and my Uncle Tracy all died of strokes.

So, I guess I should get checked. I am on a statin, but so was my brother. We both workout diligently and eat right. I, however did smoke at one time. (I did get checked, but I’m good)

As for my father in law –

He went into the hospital Thanksgiving Day. It was downhill from there. He was four weeks shy of turning 95. He was ready but not in a bad way and he was tired. There were times he wished he could last to 100. Last year, however, when we left his usual birthday dinner place in La Jolla, the waiter warmly said, “Happy Birthday, see you next year!” Jack muttered under his breath, as we walked away, “I hope not!” I almost erupted in laughter, because I thought he’d never get around to it, so yes, he was ready. He and Marge were a team, so it’s just Marge now, that is sad. It’s always the one that gets left behind that hurts.

I think the hospital knew too because normally because of Covid, visitors are not allowed, but the last couple of days, they allowed Marge in so they could say their goodbyes. Up until he was taken away on Thanksgiving day, Jack, had been lucid, so even though his body was failing him, his mental faculties had been fine. It was only in the past couple of weeks there’d been noticeable changes.

My brother, in the meantime is improving each day. He looks great, but he says he still needs speech therapy. So, that’s still an issue, but his mobility has improved considerably.

Since then things appear to be more blissful on the homefront, so I’m good. I’m walking a lot and feeling better than I ever have, so that’s cool.

It’s interesting but I remember many years ago, one of my co-workers with my same name always had some drama constantly going on in her life. Do people draw in bad karma? Is there such a thing? I wonder.

In my case, I realize, a good deal of it is just that my friends and family, like me are getting older so some of these things happen or are bound to happen.

Today: A new day!

As this year winds down, I thought things would start looking up, but no, it hasn’t.

Today, I got a call from my daughter, who is headed to St. Louis right now. She said my granddaughter wandered into the police station with a stab wound.

She’s alive and doing well, as best she can, I suppose. No details. My granddaughter has had addiction issues in the past and like my fellow bloggers, who I follow and who follow me, her addiction has long been a concern for me and our family. I continue to thank them for their support.

Are these all a symptom of Covid?

As I ponder the rest of my year, here’s hoping it goes better and that this will be the end of it. Prayers needed. Sigh.

Brain Dead

~ Joliesattic ~ 11 Comments

I don’t know about you, but of late, I feel brain dead. I’ve not written anything of note in so long, I’m not sure I even know how to write anymore.

I’ve been in and out of love and heartbreak so many times, with the same person, mind you and at the age of 75 that can be extremely taxing.

I invested in two “mining” sites for Bitcoin and have yet to actually realize any income. Bitcoin is very hard, in case no one has ever told you. Not buying it, that’s easy. It’s transferring back into cash. There’s private keys and upfront fees and penalties and interests and… and stuff. At times I just want to give up. Then, I learn that Bitcoin is lost all the time because people give up and “lost” bitcoin goes to other Bitcoin holders. So I’ve read and so I continue in my efforts.

,I don’t know if I’ve been taken for a ride and perhaps that’s all it’s been, but it seems that just as I’ve paid in my fees, other fees show up and I never see any money, so here I sit, looking at two separate accounts with a total supposed value of nearly $200K, wondering if I’ve made a mistake and should I quit?

I don’t know why, but it’s far more difficult than I imagined.

Then, I fell in love with someone online. Is he real or just a scammer? Well, he hasn’t asked for any money, so who knows? Only time will tell. Maybe he just scams hearts and makes people like me feel valued? I haven’t decided on that either. I didn’t know I could feel this intense about anyone. From almost the get go, we seemed to be on the same wavelength and it felt pretty doggone nice. I don’t recall having ever felt this way about anyone. Ever.

For those of you coming in late to the drama I call my life, I’ve been married three times. The first marriage was a shotgun wedding due to the fact that I’d been date raped and ended up pregnant. Because the young man had a prestigious occupation, he didn’t want to lose his job for his less than honorable behavior, so he took responsibility. Shotgun, because when I refused his proposal, he went to mother and they ganged up on me. How do you hide a pregnancy? It was a different time then.

My second marriage was an act of rebellion and pride. My young suitor was 10 years younger, a virgin and his parents despised me. The more they fought us, the more we fought them. I wasn’t too bright in those days. Marriage three was a result of the #1 and #2 failures plus guilt. He was 13 years younger. I liked him very much. He was my friend and confidant and both of us married on the rebound figuring we got along fine, so why not? Guilt came in to play because we were sleeping together and that wasn’t the “example” we wanted to set for my children. Big mistake. So many things went wrong after that.

As you all may know, I lost my sister last year and not surprisingly, I’ve been quite numb about it. I hadn’t had my full on cry until recently. There have been moments where I thought the dam would break and it was always in the midst of another trauma, like a divorce, my brother having a stroke, or me plateauing on my quest for thinness. (see below) Disappointingly, I’ve been stuck 10 pounds shy of my intended goal. It’s only 10 pounds and I can’t seem to get there. Oh well.

What has kept me sane during this time is walking and taking pictures. I averaged about 3-4 miles a day, up until recently, that is. The hurdles keep coming.

I had intended to walk 75 miles for my 75th birthday. That didn’t pan out, as it would have taken a full two days and I think it was a bit much. Instead, I revised it to 75km, which would have been approximately 30 miles? I managed 15 miles instead, but I’m proud of that as I was carrying a heavy backpack which I hadn’t considered would change the dynamic of my stride and stamina. You may remember I did the sky diving thing, but I had a partner for support on that one. Each year I challenge myself with something new. I skipped last year, as did most people.

I had originally thought to do a K-pop video, but somehow gyrating in front of a camera wasn’t my thing even though I’m quite capable of doing the moves. At least some of them. Part of my reason for changing my mind on that had to do with me seeing an old Italian woman on TikTok doing a self video of herself, gyrating, half naked, in front of the camera. Some people dissed her of course, but many applauded her as well and even though I admired her gutsiness, I didn’t want that image of me pervading the internet, so I opted out of that choice. No, no, no! Not for me. I’m far too vain to subject myself to that.

So, I’m back to writing.

I’ve cycled in so many ways the past year and I’m not even sure I like the new me. I’m still on this journey of self discovery. Who would’ve thunk it at my age? I guess, wishful thinking and regret can come at any age.

I think and wonder if being alone all the time hasn’t played a big part in what I’ve been going through. Was it a byproduct of Covid? I don’t know. Maybe it was a combination of things. Seeing my sister give up on life and knowing how she never realized any of her dreams before she died, depressed me. And, there, go but I. I stayed in a marriage, I’d contemplated leaving almost constantly and instead continued settling because it was the road of least resistance. I mean he’s a “good guy” and we never fought. I realized it was because I didn’t care enough to fight. Sad. Doing anything else would require considerable effort. I guess I was lazy? Plus, there was always something else going on that took priority. I didn’t have time for my wants and happiness, so they took a backseat.

I have, my whole life accepted and paid the price of my choices or lack thereof. When I say accepted, I mean, I fell into doing what was acceptable and to please others. Like I said, I had a rebellious moment or two along the way, but I would always give into what others dictated for me. I dawned on me this past year, how often I’ve put my life on hold for others, so they could be fulfilled and I began to wonder, what about me?

A part of me feels guilty to want new or better, something others may not feel I should. I sort of feel that way about the guy I love, but damn it, I’m putting my life on hold again!

Then there’s the supposed money sitting in Bitcoin heaven… or is it hell? Is the reason, I’ve not seen anything because I don’t “deserve” it or is there a higher power telling me I shouldn’t? I’ve lived with a lot of God guilt in my time, but as one person told me, you can’t put guilt if guilt is not there. Raised to feel guilty when I don’t need to is a hard habit to break. I know God wants good things for us, so that’s not it.

I think in part I’ve had so many years of indoctrination that I psychologically resist having things go right for me. I’m not supposed to “want” or desire for anything more than what I have.

So I’m brain dead. Numb.

I’ve lost my direction and don’t know what to do about it, so I pray. But… I kinda forgot how to I guess, because I’ve not gotten an answer yet.

Or maybe, the fact that I’ve not succeeded in those quests is my answer? See?

There I go again. I’m the queen of self sabotage. GUILT! ARGH

35 pounds thinner and very tan.

Is This A New Phase in Womanhood?

~ Joliesattic ~ 8 Comments

Perhaps I’m overthinking this, but it did get me to wondering.

I decided for a change to instead of walking the beach or my usual neighborhood, I would instead walk the mall. It was quite interesting noticing the change in style and women’s fashion.

As you all know by now, or probably have figured, I’m a big fan of Korean Drama. Although many of the leads do wear pants, short skirts seem to be the rage there. Style and fashion is pretty typical except for the young farm girl that comes to the big city of Seoul. Of course, keep in mind, they only show the “beautiful” people, cute petite girls that look good in most anything but pants, because they are generally too skinny. Ha!

I’m not really too mainstream and I don’t do the mall much, but I do, do it enough to see changes.

Well, let me tell you, I saw dresses. Yes, dresses and skirts. Lots of them.

I wondered if this is because of the growing popularity of K-Dramas, plus Asian dramas in general and K-pop groups? I pondered that. I’m a fan of BTS (and others)- check them out!

BTS is a well known K-Pop group that played at the Super Bowl halftime and toured our beautiful country. They were invited to our country and sadly incurred some mixed reactions. Overall, I hope it was a pleasant experience for them and us. the reason I wondered is shortly after, campaigns against Asian hate kicked in which disturbed me, so I may have missed something somewhere. I did see a video of one hostile interviewer that I could see made them uncomfortable and made me saddened that their reception was not always pleasant. Granted, their understanding in some cases was not perfect, but you can’t miss the tone. The tone is a giveaway in any language. But, I digress! That’s not what my story is about.

It was actually supposed to be somewhat of a “fashion” piece, lol ooops! <smile>

Okay, it’s like this… the real story.

You know when your brain has lots of time to ponder and query everything under the sun on long walks? So, my-mind started going to town. I noticed in store windows, how so many displays and styles focused on dresses. Remember when dresses were in vogue? Well, that was my era, I guess.

I started checking out all the stores and taking pictures. I deleted some so what I share will just be a few.

I don’t know if it is in part the new foreign dramas or maybe it’s more than that. Bear with me.

I am not by any means a women’s libber and/or activist, that’s not me. I appreciate the strides women have made to take back their self respect and not be treated so utilitarian. Even though some of these groups go overboard, I appreciate that for the most part, they’ve given women the right to be treated with respect and not meat on a chopping block. That means a lot.

I don’t know why this pictures has been chopped off!! Grrrr!

I neither look good in dresses anymore, but wish I did, because there were some lovely styles out there.

It made me wonder if women are now starting to embrace their femininity once again, because they can? Women perhaps are getting more comfortable wearing attire that makes them feel well, like women.

I don’t know how to say this without sounding archaic and out of date. But quite frankly, when I was young, I was quite the looker as some might say and I hated more than anything that a man might make some nasty, vulgar remark because I was friendly and had a coquettish look. I wondered, on my walk, if women donned on pants to hide their beauty and to look less appealing.

Pants, put women on more of an even keel, I think. They really are not attractive, generally. They allowed us freedom to do things like guys do that dresses did not. As a girl, I was a tree climber. I climbed everything and in a dress! I got to wear shorts occasionally but never long pants.

With women no longer fearful of cat calls, they are now free to be women in all respects and still be recognized as being more than a pretty face or figure.

It could have all to do or nothing to do with Asian drama’s but instead that of our own emancipation and taking back our right to be beautiful and feminine.

I could be wrong.

PS, I apologize for some pictures being cut off. They aren’t in my media library, but didn’t transfer to the post well.

Never Say Never: I didn’t think it could happen to Me

~ Joliesattic ~ 2 Comments

Scammed! I got scammed. After all that talk and all my precautions, I fell for one, hook, line and sinker. It cost me $2100! I’m not going to lie, I feel very foolish, but that one wasn’t the only one that has crossed my path and there are more springing out of Covid than you can imagine and they are coming at you unexpectedly.

I’m sharing my story so that others will stay alert. PLEASE BE CAREFUL! NO ONE IS IMMUNE, unless they are living in a bubble.

My mom and boys at Knott’s Berry Farm “held” up at gunpoint.

I was being held up and I didn’t even know it.

Scam #1

One guy, I’ll call London, actually I’m going to give you his name, because in case he comes your way, you’ll know to be on guard. Tony William Andersen, supposedly from London.

He convinced me to buy game cards, because he was unable to get his funds from America from the company he worked for. There were a million reasons why and if I innumerate them on paper, I realize how ridiculous it sounds and how stupid I was.

First of all, when he realized I would not succumb to “romance” he introduced me to his 6 year old grandson, who he’d been caring for and had cancer. He would send pictures of this little guy sitting on the couch watching Spongebob Squarepants. He told me he had told “Owen” that I was a nice lady and Owen was saving a spot on the sofa for me to watch his favorite cartoon. Yeah, he was who I fell in love with. After some time, the little guy had to go in to the hospital and so the money was needed soon.

I responded with, how can a hospital not treat without upfront money? Yeah, I asked the question. But, I still caved.

We were dosey doeing funds from my credit cards to game cards to send him. the “company” out of Texas, paid my credit cards, so I was okay with it. So, it wasn’t like I wasn’t being reimbursed. Fortunately, I caught on.

Actually it was a couple of friends who spotted the scam and basically ordered me to stop. They questioned the legality of it to begin with, which I’d not considered.

Well, as soon as I stopped the process, the payments to my credit card was rescinded and I was now over extended. Ouch!!!

Scam #2

This one absolutely terrified me.

I got a call from a woman who said she was with Interpol. She was very pleasant but serious and said, I had wired money to someone in Nigeria, who was funding illegal arms and that the Nigeria government had 20 pages of indictment on me and they were interceding on my behalf.

I had wired money to a friend of my son’s who had loaned him money earlier and he was wanting to pay him back.

So, of course, I wanted to “yell” at my son, but she insisted I could not share what was going on with anyone (gag order).

I had invested in a bitcoin company I learned about through my son and apparently his friend in Nigeria who also had a connection, so of course, I questioned all of it and became terrified that I’d inadvertently gotten in over my head. So, guess what? I told them about it.

They insisted I couldn’t talk about what was going on, so they asked me about the company and how to access the account. They tapped into the account and said that all my electronics were being “tapped”.

They wanted me to pay for the withdrawal fee, so they could track the process and see where it originated from in order to round up these guys. Supposedly the guy from Nigeria was the ring leader. They gave me the name and information of their “undercover” site for the funds to be rerouted to, which I entered

What was scary is that it looked like they had already submitted for the funds, which made it more convincing that I was “tapped”. Fortunately, the amount I sent was insufficient and I was tapped out and couldn’t pay the difference.

After a week of being terrorized and pressured and being in tears everyday thinking that to talk about it would result in my arrest because of the so-called “gag” order I couldn’t break and the fear that any minute law enforcement would tear down my door, I did what I was told. I couldn’t take it and “broke” the order and finally talked to my son and did yell at him and told him he’d been scammed.

He said “No mom”. THEY are the scam! What did you tell them?” “Block them!”

It took me some time to get the nerve to do so, but I did finally talk to my son and another friend, all agreeing I’d been duped. The next day, there was an article in AARP about just that thing, government agencies that you are fearful of and can be threatening to begin with and under their watch dog perusal. I finally braved it and went on the Interpol site and it states quite clearly, that no one from Interpol will ever call you. Period.

I blocked them and no one broke down my door. The thing is, the lady I was speaking with sounded so nice and I know this may seem hard to believe, but I actually wanted to die, I got so distraught. I cried for days, but I said nothing to anyone. When I told her this, she totally backed off and tried to be my friend and say she’s working on how to get me out of this jam and that she knows I’m “an innocent in all this, please don’t harm yourself! Give me some time, please”.

As it turns out, my funds remained safe, however two weeks later when I went to withdraw, these people were still in the system and tried to beat me to it, but the company contacted me, noticing the IP address to be different than mine. I had to resend and prove I was me all over again. They said, these guys were out of Manchester, England. (England again) Fortunately, I had told them earlier of what had transpired with “Interpol” so they were aware, which is why they noticed the IP address trying to intercept the withdrawal. It caused a delay because they had to relocate my funds, close the breach and reconfigure the system before any funds could be released. Crazy huh?

That’s my story.

Like I said, I’ve been writing about this and yet, I still fell prey. Keep in mind, that as money gets tighter and people become more desperate and technology becomes more mainstream and innovative, it pays to be even more cautious. These folks know how to tug at your heartstrings (as in my case a different type of “romance” scheme, being sensitive to a child’s plight).

PLEASE BE WARNED!!

Shab-E-Barat: Shayari

~ Joliesattic ~ 3 Comments

Chronicles Of The Fool

Forgiveness is the key to finding peace!
When we forgive those who wronged us and ask for forgiveness for our own wrong doing is when we are at peace with ourselves.

So, on this auspicious night I ask each of you who ever finds this post to forgive me if I have ever wronged you or hurt you in any way (knowingly or unknowingly) and I do forgive all who have wronged me in any way untill this day!

Wrote a shayari – a dedication

Gustaakhi gar ho gayi humse kabhi toh mazraat chaahti hu!
khafaa na ho tu humse ab, manaa ke maghroor they hum!
Teri maghrooriat toh humne maaf kar di kab ki,
aaj lihaaz ruhaaniyat ki chaahti hu!
Inaayat yahi hai khuda se ke sukoon mile iss dil ko,

Sukoon ki talaash mein, muntazir nahi rehna ab,

ab toh sifar mein hi madhosh hona chaahti hu!

~Anusri…

View original post 3 more words

Doors in Morocco

~ Joliesattic ~ 4 Comments

For those of you who are armchair travelers, what a treat! See if you don’t agree.

Natalie the Explorer

Hello and welcome to Weekend Coffee Share #9! I’m glad you’re here. Please come on in, help yourself to a cup of coffee, or tea, or hot chocolate at my coffee station. Imagine we’re sitting down in a “tea room” in Fez, Morocco and let’s chat.

A sitting area for tea in a carpet shop in Fez, Morocco.
A sitting area for fresh mint tea in a carpet shop in Fez, Morocco.

Organizing

The weather has been good, cool and sunny this week. Most mornings I do my meditation, body weight workout or yoga at home, then head outside to cycle and walk. In the afternoon, I work on tasks to organize my living.

One example of organizing my living is a routine that I do in the first week of a new month, such as:

  • Back up my blog and media files: To have a back up just in case.
  • Update my reading list.
  • Download and delete photos from my phone.

View original post 409 more words

Amazon Scams-BEWARE

~ Joliesattic ~ 9 Comments

This is not about people using Amazon to scam, but AMAZON SUPPORTS SCAMS! They sell pre-issued card numbers, take your money and run.

Let me explain. I bought a $350 gift card two days ago and gave it to my son. He calls me and asks if I didn’t watch it properly becuase it had been used.

I go to the grocery store where I purchased it and guess what? They do not give refunds and guess what else? Neither does AMAZON!!! The grocery store manager even said this is not the first time this has happened, so he gave me the links to call including a fraud #, just in case I don’t get anywhere with AMAZON! Which tells me, he already knew they wouldn’t do anything about it.

I emailed the link and gave them purchase information and card number and the young man, Anuj, sends me to a link where I can see the various purchases that had been made. They were for 2020! When I go back to the link we were chatting on he’s gone!!!

I click it a bunch of times and this girl comes on, so she tells me she would forward my information and they would get back to me within 48 hours. A while later I get an email from My Prime membership account saying, there is no record of the purchase!!!

There is a request for a copy of the card and receipt which I send. A few minutes later I get this back from them::

Your AccountAmazon.com
Message From Customer Service
Hello,

I’ve researched your Store Bought Amazon Gift Card and found that it may have been used by someone other than the intended recipient. I’m not able to resend the gift card or refund the order.

Under these circumstances, if the gift card was purchased using a credit/debit card, we suggest that the purchaser contact their bank to see what options they may have available.

We hope to see you again soon.
We’d appreciate your feedback. Please use the buttons below to vote about your experience today.

Best regards,

Amazon.com

I wanted to cry. $350 and pfft! Its, gone. They don’t give a damn!!! I had some choice curse words to go with, while writig my rebuttal, which turns out is a DoNot Reply!!!

So, I go back to the one they sent asking for the receipt and though I was spewing like a sailor in my mind, I didn’t use them in the email I sent them. But I promise you they were bouncing around in my head and on the tip of my tongue.

I replied to that with..

All the purchases made on the above card were made in 2020.  I only purchased the card yesterday  and you have the gall to send me an email I cannot respond to and say you can’t refund me my money??  What kind of outfit are you anyway???

Excuse me, but here is a copy of the receipt and the amount on the card.  I was not in possession of this card prior to the purchases made on it,  
So I am turning you over to the BBB and fraud department for your lack of concern.  I will never buy from you again if this is how you treat your customers!!!  I’m even an Amazon Prime member and you disrespect me like this???
I cannot believe this,  but maybe I should and I will make sure I blog this story, where I have countless followers who will reblog this and send it on. Not to mention the countless followers I have on both FACEBOOK, Instagram and TikTok.  Trust me I will make sure everyone I know, knows how you handled this!!!  My followers cover the entire frickin’ globe so I encourage you to settle this promptly!!!
JW

They never responded, so here I am blogging about it. I am sick to my stomach and yes, I will close out Prime and I hope you will as well.

Thank you.

I finally reached a live person who forwarded me to their customer service team and they responded with the exact statement as the one stated above. When they asked for feedback on their service representative, this is how I responded.

“Kai made an attempt to help me, but her confidence in your customer service team is sorely misplaced.
I have tried so many times to have my problem resolved only to get pushed around and ignored. Your “team” does not take the time to really help or resolve
anything. They have this formulaic system where they glance and shoot out emails. I don’t know what they are getting paid to do, but I am very disappointed by this organization. I am doing my best to let everyone I know and others know how poorly I’ve been treated and regarded.
I bought a gift card on 2/25/2021 that was new in a package, never been opened and yet, it somehow had expenditures on it. I tried to get someone to refund my $350! and all they say is it’s been used. Yes, it has in 2020!!!! And, certainly not by me!! I saved the packaging and the receipt and even forwarded these to your “team” but get the same response. I don’t think anyone even looks at any of this.
Please see my blog at joliesattic.com Amazon Scams- BEWARE!!!!

My followers are already re-posting this experience.